I am so scared right now. I have been trying to hold the darkness away but today is my grandsons birthday, he committed suicide and today is National Suicide Prevention day and it is all I can think about. That maybe if I just ended it all this pain would go away. I’ve no pills or guns to end it and that is a good thing yetI am thinking about it.
In trying to count my blessings, the things that are ugly are taking over my thoughts even as I try to count them. Lord help me stop this spiral.
Since my heart attacks and my mini-stroke my memory & thought processes are nearly null & void. But I have paid attention to what is going on in our world and especially our country since DJT became the leader. All through the campaign, I listened and I watched and I became fearful. At first, like many, I said to myself and a few family members “oh no he won’t be elected, ” I just knew the most qualified woman would be elected alas it wasn’t to be and there are many factors that played into that but I want to talk about something that is happening right now, although it has been happening for some time it has gotten progressively worse and I have to speak out, I have to write it out here in hopes that the heaviness in my heart will lift.
The burden on my heart is what is happening at our borders to the refugees that are coming here to what they hoped will be a better life only to find their children are being ripped from their breasts and not seen again. I don’t recognize this country anymore. Please don’t tell me about Native Americans, slavery or Japanese Internment Camps, I remember my history lessons and my family ( I say this with shame) owned slaves in Alabama and they fought to keep them, my half-sisters are 1/2 Cherokee. I know the horror of what was done.
I visited Auschwitz in Poland just typing the name makes the hair on my neck rise. What I see and hear happening today with all the tent cities, children being taken away for baths, the brutality of police shooting unarmed black men and boys for minor if any infractions The lies and the blame that comes every day from the highest office in our land, the manipulation of the stock market, the shouts of “lock her up”, the scream of “fake news” the undermining of our judicial system. It is a five-alarm fire every day and it is terrifying.
I know the people that voted for DJT thinking a businessman would right the wrongs in their world and thought the country needed to go a different direction are not the uneducated, ignorant racist many are called but so many are and I wonder every day is this what they wanted? Is it okay that the 401K’s, stocks and savings they counted on are dropping daily? Are they okay with the tariffs that will put our farmers out of business, with the absence of healthcare and the rest that is taking place? Was it worth hearing those babies crying for their Papi & Mami and the workers view them through the cages not being able to pick them up and soothe them because it’s against policy due to giving no chance of sexual abuse? And where are the little girls?
I don’t know the answers, I am an emotional person, things like this tear me up inside and it terrifies me. I am afraid for those children, I am afraid for my own children and grandchildren, what kind of world are we leaving them?
I’m sorry I know I am rambling and making no sense I just had to write this out.
#Resistance is all we have please vote to change our legislature in November this year, please.
As a straight white woman of privilege. I declare that until the Russian Agent is removed from OUR White House by any means: I am a Muslim, I am Black, I am Brown, I am LGBTQ, I am poor, I am an Immigrant, I am a Refugee, I am an American
How do you ask forgiveness when you
don’t believe you were entirely wrong
when the other won’t meet, talk with you
when the other claims “I won’t say because
I respect you” and walks away, without saying
what they believe you did or said something
when all their life they have held an underlying anger
toward you and refused to discuss what or why?
When you know you have spoken hurtful words
cutting words because you yourself were hurting by
the others words and actions
How do you forgive yourself?
Lawrence Ferlinghetti decades ago wrote and it gives me chills to read it today:
“Pity the nation whose people are sheep,
and whose shepherds mislead them.
Pity the nation whose leaders are liars, whose sages are silenced,
and whose bigots haunt the airwaves.
Pity the nation that raises not its voice,
except to praise conquerors and acclaim the bully as hero
and aims to rule the world with force and by torture.
Pity the nation that knows no other language but its own
and no other culture but its own.
Pity the nation whose breath is money
and sleeps the sleep of the too well fed.
Pity the nation — oh, pity the people who allow their rights to erode
and their freedoms to be washed away.
My country, tears of thee, sweet land of liberty.”
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
When do we realize how old we have become
Is it when we see the deep lines etched on our face
the dullness of hearing and eyesight
When the once ramrod spine begins to shrink
Is it when we feel our strength begin to wane
When each limb becomes stiff each chore
becomes harder due to the pain
In our youth, we failed to see how it would be
We believed the hype of”Golden Years”
Now we weep for the past our hearts stirred
by the melancholy of past years.
We live each day, long days
leaving us to wonder where did it go
Why are we left in this last stage of life
that seems to linger as we become numb,
frozen, hoping each day of pain will be the last?