Rocking to and fro gazing out on life
Steam from matching morning coffee cups
Condensation on sweet tea glasses
Watching life change saying hello to passers-by
children grow~ wind and leaves blow
Porch sitters gazing out on life.
I have been so excited knowing the battle was coming to an end and all the test and biopsy results were looking good but then…
i went in three days ago for the second mammogram this year as doctor requested and today received instructions to make myself available as the “examination performed, requires additional imaging studies. The further testing should not be ignored, please call ***-***-**** to schedule this testing as soon as possible.”
How wonderful that I receive this missive late Friday after all offices are closed and therefore must now wait until Monday.
Not sure how I feel about this latest development, I am angry with why me? pitiful with why me? resigned to ok lets do this. I don’t know how any one else does this and especially those that have no one. I am blessed to have my youngest daughter for support but hate like everything to add to her burden, a husband that says “we can beat it” but an hour later has no clue to the entire conversation. I have wonderful online friends that will give me love, hugs and encouragement and I am so blessed to have them. I have brothers and sisters that have their own lives and health issues so it’s hard to ask them or expect them to be here. Guess what I am saying is I need to stand strong on my own, because what it comes down to is me fighting for my own life so that I am around for a good long time and no one else can do that for me.
I am standing on my faith and my own personal strength and who knows maybe this next round of tests will be a false alarm but in my gut I know there is something more there. There is a sense of something being wrong which is the same feeling I had when this bit of my journey started.
I have rambled enough my fellow blogging and online friends so I shall wish you a beautiful blessed night/day/evening wherever you are in whatever time zone. Peace and love to all.
I am finding myself more and more nasty and short tempered since beginning treatments. I know I should be grateful for everyday I am blessed to have but a darkness seems to have invaded my mind and my heart, this from the woman who determined to only be about love this year. Who knew that all this nasty ugliness dwelt within me? I sure didn’t and today I was very ugly to complete strangers and though I still feel I was within my rights I sure did not like the way I handled it, my fingers punched out such vitrole across the cyber world that I was amazed when I took a breath and realized what I had done and to top it off I kept responding to their bullying tactics. I made a simple mistake of not checking my other blogs when they tried to contact me yesterday, so today their impatience and ugly hit me wrong. I am not excusing my part in it just saying I made a mistake and was belittled for it so I belittled back. I can but ask the man upstairs for forgiveness and hope I am not contacted by those two again.
An update~ last biopsies were good, treatments coming to an end and maybe God willing all the rounds of testing will stay positiveI, I sure hope so as I really want to get back to being the old me…you all know the one I am speaking of the one that stays fairly upbeat, writes bad poetry and short stories. The one that finally stopped inflicting her grief on all of you…did you notice I quit writing about my daughters murder and how much I missed her? I quit that too when others started being ugly about it…you know how they didn’t want to hear it anymore and it was time I got over it. So now followers there is no need for you to suffer through it with me I just write it in a notebook and save you all…LOL I do still have my other blog a mothers sorrow but don’t write much on it as I have told her story there and that is enough. Be beautiful, know God loves you and so do I. Have a blessed day y’all!
How much can a heart break, how many times can it be shattered until it refuses to heal again?
From child abandonment to innocence stolen, life as known ripped from small hands
Falling in love for the need to be loved, having them walk away because you clung too tightly.
Bearing children loving them with all your soul, they grow up and leave
Then one dies and leaves forever.
How much can a heart break how many times can it be shattered?
Loved ones come and go, leaving you alone taking a piece of your heart each time
Only to come back and betray you repeatedly, robbing you of your senses
Always judging, berating you for things you have said or twisting your words against you
Ripping your soul into jigsaw pieces with no direction to put it back together
How much can a heart break how many times can it be shattered?
Lifes journey has taken the twists, turns and straights of the road, some hills, valleys and levels of life leaving with so much to say.
Health and family issues abound and this old woman is finding it hard to escape into the act of writing poetry or short story, let alone the three novels started and nearly complete.
As I write this I am in the hospital again with pulmonary issues , sky high sugar due to steriods and the ever looming BIG ‘C’ forever threatening to reign it’s ugly head again and again.
Makes me wander through my head and heart with so much to say will I ever get it all said or is it even worth the effort to write it out for someone else to read? Are my words of bad poetry and short stories of any benefit to anyone or is it just for me that I write to clear my head and give the Lady Muse a voice? So much to say…
Life has it’s road, the journey is never easy for anyone and we all want to leave this world knowing we were of some importance not just to the family we love and our cherished friends, but to the world as a whole, So we have our thought we place our fingers on a keyboard and we write …does it make a difference when we have So Much To Say?
Much love my friends, know that I love all and so does Our God.
The last 3 and a half days have been particularly harrowing for my emotions. I have had blessings and burdens of such intensity that I don’t know if I am up or down. Saturday night my daughter called and asked me to come to the emergency room as her Dad was seriously ill and needed emergency surgery. As the medical team gathered and a cardio-thorasic specialist was brought in, I was told he had an aortic tear and blood had filled the perineal sac that holds the heart.
I did not know how to feel anything but worry for my family and wondered at the emotions I was feeling towards this man that I once loved and had given me beautiful daughters, yet was the one to cause such misery in my life. As a mom I had to stay strong for the ones that needed me, I was told my youngest daughter was on her way ( I had not had but one brief encounter with her in four years, so was worried how this was going to go down).
She was able to arrive just as they were ready to take him to surgery, love and forgiveness was expressed between them it was such a moving moment I had to leave the room to cry. I am so grateful to have witnessed that exchange because it was so desperately needed.
My own blessing came as we waited in the empty waiting room, all the important loves of my life with the exception of my own husband there to love and support each other.My youngest and I were able to talk freely and without animosity of any kind, to bridge the differences and realize throughout the all night surgery that love and family is the most important and only emotion to have.
Through these past days I have been able to spend more time with my grandson and get to know him and my daughter and what they have been through. I am so very proud of the strength and maturity I see in her and my middle daughter they both have shown such a bond and having each other, when one was ready to fall the other propped and vice versa, I am just amazed that these two young woman are products of me. I don’t know maybe I am giving myself too much credit because my ex and society as a whole had much more to do with who they are than I ever did in actual truth.
I watched as they met with doctors, spent every minute with their father and was there when they were told there was no chance of recovery with the heart, that he had suffered a massive stroke and was a vegetable. I felt as if I was watching a television program it was that surreal, to know this vibrant man was really no longer there, and a decision to be made to leave him as is or to disconnect life support was needed. To watch the two sisters come together get on the same page on what to do, was amazing and made me as there mother very proud of the strength and comfort.
Today on their own they met with Pallative Care and proceeded to let their father go, he passed at 11:13 am it did not take long and for this I am grateful as I would have hated for them to have to watch him linger.
I am sitting here at home, waiting for them to come here as I know they need to do, so that I can feed and comfort them, give them a minute of respite before taking the next step in this life changing journey.
My heart hurts for them and the pain they are in, I can only offer my own heart full of love and care on this part of the journey as no one else can do it for them as much as I would like to do just that.
May he rest in peace,
Andrew ‘AJ’ Dusek
Dec.21, 1949 ~ Jan. 14, 2015
“When winter comes to a woman’s soul, she withdraws into her inner self, her deepest spaces. She refuses all connection, refutes all arguments that she should engage in the world. She may say she is resting, but she is more than resting: She is creating a new universe within herself, examining and breaking old patterns, destroying what should not be revived, feeding in secret what needs to thrive.
Winter women are those who bring into the next cycle what should be saved. They are the deep conservators of knowledge and power. Not for nothing did ancient peoples honor the grandmother. In her calm deliberateness, she winters over our truth, she freezes out false-heartedness.
Look into her eyes, this winter woman. In their gray spaciousness you can see the future. Look out of your own winter eyes. You too can see the future.”
~ Patricia Monaghan ~