I jump back and forth not knowing what to do and unable to stop the thoughts in my head. Nothing means anything to me, I eat and drink because I am supposed to. I care for my husband because it’s my duty. I grieve for my daughter, mother and grandmothers. I have failed as a wife and as a mother, I did not love as I should have my daughters that are alive.
I failed to fight hard enough to keep them. I failed to teach them how to survive, how to have empathy and forgiveness. I failed to respect them, therefore, they don’t respect me. I failed to teach them how to forgive therefore they cannot forgive me. I failed I failed I failed.
There is no reason for me to continue, I am done here, I will continue failing, the only peace I can find is if I just end it all now.
Watching Mystic River, Sean Penn as Jimmy identifies his daughters body, it is like watching myself seeing my daughters body the same way. I am trying to be as silent as possible with my screaming sobs, fist in mouth body bent to avoid waking hubs. How much pain am I to endure God how much?? What have I done in these 64 years that was so bad that I must pay like this/
Wasn’t it enough for me to drift through life letting others push me to do whatever they wanted with me. Taking whatever job available to just get by. Get pregnant have a baby when I didn’t even know how to care for myself, I didn’t even know how to wash my own hair or clean a damn house yet here’s a baby to care for. How in the hell did you expect me to be loving and wise then God how???
Just have those babies and have them taken from me. WHAT do I have to live for now that they have left me what? Nothing not a God forsaken thing. I am only taking up air. I wish I was brave enough to end it I don’t know what is stopping me!~
4 years 9 months and 15 hours ago my oldest daughter passed away by another’s hand, every day in all this time I have cried and grieved as I miss her so much. That day changed me forever more than anyone can or will ever understand, others grieve for her, but no one can understand the grief a mother feels.
I have been away from the blog for a while I know, I apologize and would like to explain.
I am and have been depressed and detached from life. So much has happened with my daughters and grandchildren, my husband and my health, yet none of it seems very important to me.
I have been introspective and searching for answers as to where and why I have gone so wrong in all aspects of my life, to no avail. I see why but not how I did not see the consequences.
There in lies my guilt and the guilt has had me thinking more and more about suicide, to the point of writing out my reasons for doing so and who gets what, and goodbyes. I have even determined how to do it. Guess I am not going to or I would have already done so since I have had all that done for more than a few months now.
I am sure I need to see someone to talk all this out but don’t know if I am strong enough to “bare it all” to a stranger.
Today I am thinking of being alone and lonely when once I cherished my alone but not lonely time, now I am contemplating when my husband passes and the loneliness that will bring. Dark thoughts yet I am maintaining that is all I can say for now, just thinking if I start writing again maybe it will help…if I am strong enough for that too.
God help me.
Fissures of the heart and soul
Voids, vast emptiness
Tears rolling mixing with nose mucus
Gut wrenched, shuddering
The pain so deep it folds the body over
Place fist in mouth to stuff the screams
Back into the depths of this worthless soul
Mind screaming in silence
God end this life now,
Take this body, end the pain please
The pain of mistakes with no do-over
Too late, too late
Broken and screaming in silence
How sad is it that we spend energy pledging to this, supporting that, post for awareness the ills of the world…yet we cannot heal the ails within our own four walls?
Shhhhh listen, for listening is a precious gift
Opening that gift allows one to hear
Hearing in the act of quiet listening
Brings forth love and acceptance of oneself
Opening a gift of soul and heart healing