When I pass from this earth….


I have officially decided ….when I pass from this world I want to be cremated and placed in a Bio-urn, where  I can be placed in the ground and grow again as a tree.
Where I will give you shade as you sit beneath my strong limbs covered in leaves reading a favorite book. Where I can give you dappled sun, shelter you from a rain, make music to soothe your soul when the wind blows through my leaves. Where you can carve your initials with the one you love in my bark and revisit when your heart is broken, or swing from an old tire and rope thrown over a sturdy limb. I want to be an OAK tree to feed with my acorns, Gods  smallest animals, Yes I want to be a tree, and then let dogs pee all over me.

The Never Ending Battle


I have been so excited knowing the battle was coming to an end and all the test and biopsy results were looking good but then…

i went in three days ago for the second mammogram this year as doctor requested and today received instructions to make myself available as the “examination performed, requires additional imaging studies. The further testing should not be ignored, please call ***-***-**** to schedule this testing as soon as possible.”

How wonderful that I receive this missive late Friday after all offices are closed and therefore must now wait until Monday.
Not sure how I feel about this latest development, I am angry with why me? pitiful with why me? resigned to ok lets do this. I don’t know how any one else does this and especially those that have no one. I am blessed to have my youngest daughter for support but hate like everything to add to her burden, a husband that says “we can beat it” but an hour later has no clue to the entire conversation. I have wonderful online friends that will give me love, hugs and encouragement and I am so blessed to have them. I have brothers and sisters that have their own lives and health issues so it’s hard to ask them or expect them to be here. Guess what I am saying is I need to stand strong on my own, because what it comes down to is me fighting for my own life so that I am around for a good long time and no one else can do that for me.
I am standing on my faith and my own personal strength and who knows maybe this next round of tests will be a false alarm but in my gut I know there is something more there. There is a sense of something being wrong which is the same feeling I had when this bit of my journey started.
I have rambled enough my fellow blogging and online friends so I shall wish you a beautiful blessed night/day/evening wherever you are in whatever time zone. Peace and love to all.

UGLY ME


I am finding myself more and more nasty and short tempered since beginning treatments. I know I should be grateful for everyday I am blessed to have but a darkness seems to have invaded my mind and my heart, this from the woman who determined to only be about love  this year. Who knew that all this nasty ugliness dwelt within me? I sure didn’t and today I was very ugly to complete strangers and though I still feel I was within my rights I sure did not like the way I handled it, my fingers punched out such vitrole across the cyber world that I was amazed when I took a breath and realized what I had done and to top it off I kept responding to their bullying tactics. I made a simple mistake of not checking my other blogs when they tried to contact me yesterday, so today their impatience and ugly hit me wrong. I am not excusing my part in it just saying I made a mistake and was belittled for it so I belittled back. I can but ask the man upstairs for forgiveness and hope I am not contacted by those two again.
An update~ last biopsies were good, treatments coming to an end and maybe God willing all the rounds of testing will stay positiveI, I sure hope so as I really want to get back to being the old me…you all know the one I am speaking of the one that stays fairly upbeat, writes bad poetry and short stories. The one that finally stopped inflicting her grief on all of you…did you notice I quit writing about my daughters murder and how much I missed her? I quit that too when others started being ugly about it…you know how they didn’t want to hear it anymore and it was time I got over it. So now followers there is no need for you to suffer through it with me  I just write it in a notebook and save you all…LOL  I do still have my other blog a mothers sorrow but don’t write much on it as I have told her story there and that is enough. Be beautiful, know God loves you and so do I. Have a blessed day y’all!

HOW MUCH


How much can a heart break, how many times can it be shattered until it refuses to heal again?

From child abandonment to innocence stolen, life as known ripped from small hands

Falling in love for the need to be loved, having them walk away because you clung too tightly.

Bearing children loving them with all your soul, they grow up and leave

Then one dies and leaves forever.

How much can a heart break how many times can it be shattered?
Loved ones come and go, leaving you alone taking a piece of your heart each time

Only to come back and betray you repeatedly, robbing you of your senses

Always judging, berating you for things you have said or twisting your words against you

Ripping your soul into jigsaw pieces with no direction to put it back together
How much can a heart break how many times can it be shattered?

So Much To Say….


Lifes journey has taken the twists, turns and straights of the road, some hills, valleys and  levels of life leaving with so much to say.
Health and family issues abound and this old woman is finding it hard to escape into the act of writing poetry or short story, let alone the three novels started and nearly complete.
As I write this I am in the hospital again with pulmonary issues , sky high sugar due to steriods and the ever looming BIG ‘C’ forever threatening to reign it’s ugly head again and again.
Makes me wander through my head and heart with so much to say will I ever get it all said or is it even worth the effort to write it out for someone else to read? Are my words of bad poetry and short stories of any benefit to anyone or is it just for me that I write to clear my head and give the Lady Muse a voice? So much to say…

Life has it’s road, the journey is never easy for anyone and we all want to leave this world knowing we were of some importance not just to the family we love and  our cherished friends, but to the world as a whole, So we have our thought we place our fingers on a keyboard and we write …does it make a difference when we have So Much To Say?

Much love my friends, know that I love all and so does Our God.