Light At The End


I hesitate to write this as I am not sure if anyone cares and it truly shouldn’t matter but…
I tried on Dec. 8th to kill myself by taking an obscene amount of pain meds as you can see it did not work. I am so pissed off about that but I learned my lesson I think. My husband was aware enough to call the youngest daughter when he found me and she in turn called ambulance.

I will tell you that I refused to go to a “facility” for help as I know the horror of the  only place open here in the metro area and I wouldn’t put the most vicious dog there. So I am supposed to obtain help through a mental health person….perhaps I will I haven’t the courage just yet to bare my soul, failings, and feelings in that type of environment.

I don’t remember much at  the hospital except to say I experienced “the light” and felt at peace and yet agitation.I felt myself floating and a flat light (hard to explain) but for every section of any importance in my life was shown by the colors of blue, white, gray, pink and black. Blue and white were the most peaceful, pink for my daughters births, black when suffering loss and not necessarily just death. All underneath these colors was a brilliant white light when I finally began to think I realized I was again alive and only wanted that light back again along with the emotions it brought forth.

Am I any better or worse for the experience I don’t know I only know that I came to crying for my daughter and telling everyone she was murdered. Psychotic break was the diagnosis coming over all I have endured over the sixty plus years and the last five in particular. Do I need help yes am I strong enough I do not know?
This being the last day of 2015 and looking back at my hopes for 2015 this time last year I can’t help but think God is laughing and pointing a finger at me saying ” Well laid plans must go awry when I am not included”.

Does It Ever Stop?


A MOTHERS' SORROW

Does it…ever? Is it because the holidays are approaching and Thanksgiving was the last holiday we had together? Probably but I feel shredded inside,  my  blood is slogging through my veins sustaining life that I don’t want. My eyes are continuously red and swollen. Pity party of one?  Yes God yes, I am wallowing in the self-pity of losing my child, and why not it isn’t like in the four years shes been gone I have had anyone to talk to about her. My “family” doesn’t understand the pain and my lashing out so they fight with me and disown me. If my husband could remember I am sure he would say the usual “it will be ok” Gah how I resent him for not going to her memorial service with me! I did everything packed, booked tickets , made the arrangements for his mother and other family members, what…

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Can’t Get It Together


I jump back and forth not knowing what to do and unable to stop the thoughts in my head. Nothing means anything to me, I eat and drink because I am supposed to. I care for my husband because it’s my duty. I grieve for my daughter, mother and grandmothers. I have failed as a wife and as a mother, I did not love as I should have my daughters that are alive.

I failed to fight hard enough to keep them. I failed to teach them how to survive, how to have empathy and forgiveness. I failed to respect them, therefore, they don’t respect me. I failed to teach them how to forgive therefore they cannot forgive me. I failed I failed I failed.

There is no reason for me to continue, I am done here, I will continue  failing, the only peace I can find is if I just end it all now.

Watching Mystic River, Sean Penn as Jimmy identifies his daughters body, it is like watching myself seeing my daughters body the same way. I am trying to be as silent as possible with my screaming sobs, fist in mouth body bent to avoid waking hubs. How much pain am I to endure God how much??  What have I done in these 64 years that was so bad that I must pay like this/
Wasn’t it enough for me to drift through life letting others push me to do whatever they wanted with me. Taking whatever job available to just get by. Get pregnant have a baby when I didn’t even know how to care for myself, I didn’t even know how to wash my own hair or clean a damn house yet here’s a baby to care for. How in the hell did you expect me to be loving and wise then God how???
Just have those babies and have them taken from me. WHAT do I have to live for now that they have left me what? Nothing not a God forsaken thing. I am only taking up air. I wish I was brave enough to end it I don’t know what is stopping me!~

 


4 years 9 months and 15 hours ago my oldest daughter passed away by another’s hand, every day in all this time I have cried and grieved as I miss her so much. That day changed me forever more than anyone can or will ever understand, others grieve for her, but no one can understand the grief a mother feels.

Back for a Moment


I have been away from the blog for a while I know, I apologize and would like to explain.
I am and have been depressed and detached from life. So much has happened with my daughters and grandchildren, my husband and my health, yet none of it seems very important to me.
I have been introspective and searching for answers as to where and why I have gone so wrong in all aspects of my life, to no avail. I see why but not how I did not see the consequences.

There in lies my guilt and the guilt has had me thinking more and more about suicide, to the point of writing out my reasons for doing so and who gets what, and goodbyes. I have even determined how to do it. Guess I am not going to or I would have already done so since I have had  all that done for more than a few months now.
I am sure I need to see someone to talk all this out but don’t know if I am strong enough to “bare it all” to a stranger.
Today I am thinking of being alone and lonely when once I cherished my alone but not lonely time, now I am contemplating when my husband passes and the loneliness that will bring. Dark thoughts yet I am maintaining that is all I can say for now, just thinking if I start writing again maybe it will help…if I am strong enough for that too.
God help me.

BROKEN


BROKEN

Fissures of the heart and soul

Voids, vast emptiness
Tears rolling mixing with nose mucus

Gut wrenched, shuddering

The pain so deep it folds the body over

Place fist in mouth to stuff the screams

Back into the depths of this worthless soul

Mind screaming in silence
God end this life now,

Take this body, end the pain please

The pain of mistakes with no do-over

Too late, too late

Broken and screaming in silence

Broken