Fissures of the heart and soul
Voids, vast emptiness
Tears rolling mixing with nose mucus
Gut wrenched, shuddering
The pain so deep it folds the body over
Place fist in mouth to stuff the screams
Back into the depths of this worthless soul
Mind screaming in silence
God end this life now,
Take this body, end the pain please
The pain of mistakes with no do-over
Too late, too late
Broken and screaming in silence
How sad is it that we spend energy pledging to this, supporting that, post for awareness the ills of the world…yet we cannot heal the ails within our own four walls?
Shhhhh listen, for listening is a precious gift
Opening that gift allows one to hear
Hearing in the act of quiet listening
Brings forth love and acceptance of oneself
Opening a gift of soul and heart healing
I have officially decided ….when I pass from this world I want to be cremated and placed in a Bio-urn, where I can be placed in the ground and grow again as a tree.
Where I will give you shade as you sit beneath my strong limbs covered in leaves reading a favorite book. Where I can give you dappled sun, shelter you from a rain, make music to soothe your soul when the wind blows through my leaves. Where you can carve your initials with the one you love in my bark and revisit when your heart is broken, or swing from an old tire and rope thrown over a sturdy limb. I want to be an OAK tree to feed with my acorns, Gods smallest animals, Yes I want to be a tree, and then let dogs pee all over me.
Rocking to and fro gazing out on life
Steam from matching morning coffee cups
Condensation on sweet tea glasses
Watching life change saying hello to passers-by
children grow~ wind and leaves blow
Porch sitters gazing out on life.
I have been so excited knowing the battle was coming to an end and all the test and biopsy results were looking good but then…
i went in three days ago for the second mammogram this year as doctor requested and today received instructions to make myself available as the “examination performed, requires additional imaging studies. The further testing should not be ignored, please call ***-***-**** to schedule this testing as soon as possible.”
How wonderful that I receive this missive late Friday after all offices are closed and therefore must now wait until Monday.
Not sure how I feel about this latest development, I am angry with why me? pitiful with why me? resigned to ok lets do this. I don’t know how any one else does this and especially those that have no one. I am blessed to have my youngest daughter for support but hate like everything to add to her burden, a husband that says “we can beat it” but an hour later has no clue to the entire conversation. I have wonderful online friends that will give me love, hugs and encouragement and I am so blessed to have them. I have brothers and sisters that have their own lives and health issues so it’s hard to ask them or expect them to be here. Guess what I am saying is I need to stand strong on my own, because what it comes down to is me fighting for my own life so that I am around for a good long time and no one else can do that for me.
I am standing on my faith and my own personal strength and who knows maybe this next round of tests will be a false alarm but in my gut I know there is something more there. There is a sense of something being wrong which is the same feeling I had when this bit of my journey started.
I have rambled enough my fellow blogging and online friends so I shall wish you a beautiful blessed night/day/evening wherever you are in whatever time zone. Peace and love to all.
I am finding myself more and more nasty and short tempered since beginning treatments. I know I should be grateful for everyday I am blessed to have but a darkness seems to have invaded my mind and my heart, this from the woman who determined to only be about love this year. Who knew that all this nasty ugliness dwelt within me? I sure didn’t and today I was very ugly to complete strangers and though I still feel I was within my rights I sure did not like the way I handled it, my fingers punched out such vitrole across the cyber world that I was amazed when I took a breath and realized what I had done and to top it off I kept responding to their bullying tactics. I made a simple mistake of not checking my other blogs when they tried to contact me yesterday, so today their impatience and ugly hit me wrong. I am not excusing my part in it just saying I made a mistake and was belittled for it so I belittled back. I can but ask the man upstairs for forgiveness and hope I am not contacted by those two again.
An update~ last biopsies were good, treatments coming to an end and maybe God willing all the rounds of testing will stay positiveI, I sure hope so as I really want to get back to being the old me…you all know the one I am speaking of the one that stays fairly upbeat, writes bad poetry and short stories. The one that finally stopped inflicting her grief on all of you…did you notice I quit writing about my daughters murder and how much I missed her? I quit that too when others started being ugly about it…you know how they didn’t want to hear it anymore and it was time I got over it. So now followers there is no need for you to suffer through it with me I just write it in a notebook and save you all…LOL I do still have my other blog a mothers sorrow but don’t write much on it as I have told her story there and that is enough. Be beautiful, know God loves you and so do I. Have a blessed day y’all!