A Passing , A Burden, A Blessing

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The last 3 and a half days have been particularly harrowing for my emotions. I have had blessings and burdens of such intensity that I don’t know if I am up or down. Saturday night my daughter called and asked me to come to the emergency room as her Dad was seriously ill and needed emergency surgery. As the medical team gathered and a cardio-thorasic specialist was brought in, I was told he had an aortic tear and blood had filled the perineal sac that holds the heart.
I did not know how to feel anything but worry for my family and wondered at the emotions I was feeling towards this man that I once loved and had given me beautiful daughters, yet was the one to cause such misery in my life. As a mom I had to stay strong for the ones that needed me, I was told my youngest daughter was on her way ( I had not had but one brief encounter with her in four years, so was worried how this was going to go down).
She was able to arrive just as they were ready to take him to surgery, love and forgiveness was expressed between them it was such a moving moment I had to leave the room to cry. I am so grateful to have witnessed that exchange because it was so desperately needed.

My own blessing came as we waited in the  empty waiting room, all the important loves of my life with the exception of my own husband there to love and support each other.My youngest and I were able to talk freely and without animosity of any kind, to bridge the differences and realize throughout the all night surgery that love and family is the most important and only emotion to have.
Through these past days I have been able to spend more time with my grandson and get to know him and my daughter and what they have been through. I am so very proud of the strength and maturity I see in her and my middle daughter they both have shown such a bond and having each other, when one was ready to fall the other propped  and vice versa, I am just amazed that these two young woman are products of me. I don’t know maybe I am giving myself too much credit because my ex and society as a whole had much more to do with who they are than I ever did in actual truth.

I watched as they met with doctors, spent every minute with their father and was there when they were told there was no chance of recovery with the heart, that he had suffered a massive stroke and was a vegetable. I felt as if I was watching a television program it was that surreal, to know this vibrant man was really no longer there, and a decision to be made to leave him as is or to disconnect life support was needed. To watch the two sisters come together get on the same page on what to do, was amazing and made me as there mother very proud of the strength and comfort.
Today on their own they met with Pallative Care and proceeded to let their father go, he passed at 11:13 am it did not take long and for this I am grateful as I would have hated for them to have to watch him linger.
I am sitting here at home, waiting for them to come here  as I know they need to do, so that I can feed and comfort them, give them a minute of respite before taking the next step in this life changing journey.
My heart hurts for them and the pain they are in, I can only offer my own heart full of love and care on this part of the journey as no one else can do it for them as much as I would like to do just that.
May he rest in peace,
Andrew ‘AJ’ Dusek
Dec.21, 1949 ~ Jan. 14, 2015


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“When winter comes to a woman’s soul, she withdraws into her inner self, her deepest spaces. She refuses all connection, refutes all arguments that she should engage in the world. She may say she is resting, but she is more than resting: She is creating a new universe within herself, examining and breaking old patterns, destroying what should not be revived, feeding in secret what needs to thrive.

Winter women are those who bring into the next cycle what should be saved. They are the deep conservators of knowledge and power. Not for nothing did ancient peoples honor the grandmother. In her calm deliberateness, she winters over our truth, she freezes out false-heartedness.

Look into her eyes, this winter woman. In their gray spaciousness you can see the future. Look out of your own winter eyes. You too can see the future.”

~ Patricia Monaghan ~

My Rant

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Breaking News scrolls across the bottom of the television screen
Social media news posts, all reporting the atrocities across this
vast world, country-by-country, state by state
Can’t we get along amongst all this hate? some ask.
Kill the killers, Hands up, I can’t breathe, are the mantras of many
Give me, Give me, “YOU” owe me,  I shouldn’t have to work
See I have many babies at seventeen, take care of me and them.
Disruption in public places, preventing others right  to entertainment,
shopping, concerts, award ceremonies, in the name of “our” rights they exclaim.
Beheadings, rapes, stabbings, kidnappings, shootings all in the name of “MY” religion, beliefs,
my right to free speech, civil liberties, my “you did me wrongs”.
Expecting all needs  be met, feed and clothe me, pay for my healthcare, lower my rent include
heating and cooling and don’t take anymore of my pay. Provide and pay for my insurance that includes Morning After medication I do not care if it is against your belief, only mine is important to me.  I want to work less hours for more pay and if you do not adhere to my demands for these things
I will march and protest, bringing shame upon you.
Demanding education and that you learn to speak, write, listen to my language while teaching my children yours just don’t expect me to learn and oh yes watch the flag of your  country burn so that I may hoist mine.
I will blame the Government, the Leader of the country, those in power if I don’t get all needs met. The representatives elected to those positions from the county judge to the president of the United States, it is their entire fault from my skinned knee to not having the latest electronic or phone.
Why?  Because I have no self-respect and I respect no others, I do not know what accountability or hard work means. I have no concept of self-reliance, tolerance, ethics, morals, or values. I could not tell you what any of those things are or mean no one ever taught me manners or these life-enhancing virtues or if they did ,I did not listen for it meant nothing to me then nor now.

It is going to take a severe wake up in this country (USA) to change this kind of thinking and sense of entitlement, can it be done  I truly do not know , I can only pray it gets no worse not for me but for
my children and their children. My fear… if it does not change if we do not start teaching the fundamentals of life and respect for all again, this world as a whole is doomed for we will eradicate each other for the sake of our beliefs and lack of compassion.


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Originally posted on A MOTHERS' SORROW:

Once again, I feel the emptiness, cry tears, and wonder will this feeling ever leave me?

I hug the ones I love a little tighter, a little longer fighting back the tears, trying to appear “normal” “strong” “coping well”

Inside my gut wrenches, my lungs struggle for air, my body responds with intense pain with no way to sanely release the grief I bear.
If I let it all out it would be an earth shattering scream, never ending, until I coughed and blood would appear from the rawness of my throat.
There is forever an emptiness within, life is not like it once was and never ever will it be so again.
There will always be the sound of your laughter in my heart, the feel of your arms about my neck,
the whisper of your voice “Momma I love you”
Time heals all wounds it is said, NO, NO, it…

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Many that follow this blog know I have been away for some time, healing to the extent a mother can when she loses a child. Learning to love life again and accepting that every day for the rest of my life I will miss my precious daughter, but that I must heal and bend into this new normal and be the me I was before…before my world fell apart. I am picking up the pieces and moving on, not easy but with love in my heart for the preciousness of life and spreading that love in every way physically by deed and with my words.

This year of 2014 has been one of insignificance in some ways, everyday hum drum, losing loved ones, gaining new friends, building relationships, helping others to grow. I suppose no different for me than for many others. This year has been one of reflection as well, as I grow in age, maturity and wisdom I find that with age comes a lot of shaking my head in amazement at the memories of things I have done or said. Believing I was so smart or witty when in reality at 63 years seven months and 22 days I am not much more mature, educated or steadfast than at the age of 25 or 30. 
I have learned this year that it is okay to be all those things I was at 25, I can still be stubborn, opinionated; believe in one God, family, friends and to take back my joy.

I have learned this year that it is okay to express love to embrace it and then throw it away like confetti raining down during the stroke of the clock at midnight on New Year’s Eve. I have come to believe that everyone is capable of love and of accepting it when given if one chooses. My philosophy this whole year has been to give the love I have inside hoping it challenges the receiver to pay it forward in their circle, to experience the weight that tends to lift from the shoulders when they start spreading love as I have.

I do not mean go around hugging everyone and saying “I love you” unless that is your thing.  I do not and have never let a loved one leave the house, a call or a text without saying I love you, just something I do personally and the rewards, oh my the reward that comes from those three words. Say in your mind each day, “today I will love everyone” make it your mantra. When stuck in traffic and feeling the rage, or sharp words with a co-worker, a child, a spouse just whisper in your mind “today I will love everyone” and you will see how much your attitude, your mind, your spirit/soul begins to feel lighter and more joyful. This, I have done, this year of 2014 and it has been wonderful.
Don’t get me wrong I have had days, weeks of bad ; arguments with grown children, service providers, my chair sitter, especially when he starts “sun downing”  (Alzheimer’s) many of life’s normal irritants’ but through it all I am loving and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to do so.
I love you.

December 7, 2014

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Today is a day of putting one foot in front of the other, being grateful that we can. One of drawing air into diseased lungs, and mind full of confusion but it is a day God has given, so we will listen to the music that weaves it’s way into our souls and words that touch our hearts being grateful. Giving love and wishing for blessed abundance and peace to all. Good Morning my world!