Daughters, if there was one thing I could be
I would be a lantern lighting the way of your life’s path
Shining the way to make life easier and without woes
So you would never have to fight for or with the many foes

I would turn back tides, open doors wide
removing all blocks to your success
If I could light your path to make life easier
Even the strongest storms I would deter
I am always here for you my precious two
To cheer you when down and blue
Do Not worry when life gets tough
As sometimes the journey is rough
Just know in your heart I am here
I will always be close and near
If I could be  but that one thing you need
It would be the lantern to light your path
To teach and help you to plant a little seed
A seed of love to pass along on the path
you may someday light for another.

As a small child, my grammie at close to her fifties did not hesitate to take in her oldest sons children one daughter and two sons. she was a true taskmaster believing the “idle hands are the devils’ tools” so she kept us busy but the boys not so much. me I  worked from sun up to past sun down and seemed the older I got the worse she was about keeping me busy, ahh but I took off there for a minute.
now I am older, wiser and less tolerant of laziness, lack of common sense and have no concept of a 40 hour week young people. In that vein with the oldest daughter if I had nothing else for her to do, in keeping the idle hands busy I had her string buttons. My gram had several jars of buttons collected over the years and when we complained as children do “I’m bored”  out came the button jars and the thick quilting thread and needles for the larger heavier buttons thread of regular everyday quality for the others. We would sit in her sewing room if she needed to keep her eagle eye on us or we could sit on the porch and thread buttons …all the blues together, all the colors should have their own thread white or beige, and on and on. Hope there were enough buttons to last many a lifetime, for if buttons didn’t keep our attention there was always silver to polish or baseboards to wash.

 in memory of my gram, loved and missed so very much, my gram but my mom as well.

RIP Catherine Marie Williams  March 24, 1905, ~ March 30th, 2005 she lived a wonderful life on her own in her own home until the day she transitioned, She was 100 years and 6 days.

GROWING UP
I was five years old when Grandpa Williams picked up my mother, my two brothers and myself at the Greyhound station.  tired hungry and of course cranky I’m sure. Poor momma, we had to have been a handful on that long cross-country ride. Arriving at the house we took our baths and a nap.Grandma had been busy cooking, don’t remember what it was but I’m sure it was good.
Momma took us into the living room sat us down Grandma holding my baby brother he was still in diapers now I appreciate what she had to go through on that bus trip.
Anyway, she proceeded to tell us that she was going shopping to get us some new clothes we had sunny California clothes not winter cold February in Colorado. She would be back in a few hours. she kissed us goodbye hugged us and walked out the door, don’t remember seeing her again until I was twelve.Life was good at Grandma & Grandpa’s, my youngest aunt was still home and my uncle  he was 5 years older so he was like a big brother to me. As I was the only girl  expectations were different for me I had to do the ‘woman of the house chores’ and as my brothers grew they were taken up by Grandpa and made to be ‘young men’ God he was so frickin cruel to them. I mean yes, he molested me from 5 to 12 but he beat my brothers , he belittled like I had never heard and he did it to my uncle as well. No wonder my Dad wasn’t there and an alcoholic.
It got to me that he was so respected and feared within the community, later I found out why but then I only feared him ..he could look at me sitting at the table doing homework and tell me I needed to go to bed and I knew what was coming …so I wouldn’t move and he would tell me again tell your Grandmother you are going to bed. I wet that chair so many times from fear, Grandma finally covered it in plastic.
We never went hungry but we were always the outsiders and that was more due to grandma making all of our clothes when others at school had store bought and we were raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses so we were not able to participate in things like the pledge or birthday parties Christmas etc.  And they were raised during the depression all they knew was work so that is what we were taught.
Don’t get me wrong we had play time, kick the can, hide n seek , red light blue light . but our life consisted mainly of work. I don’t remember laughter in that house yet my happiest memories are from there, because Grandma loved us she didn’t tell us she showed us everyday , we were never a burden to her as we were to him. Towards the last days there she stuck up for us more and more to her detriment  as he liked to slap her when she ‘got smart’.
My aunt eventually left home and uncle went into high school , we grew and learned  and existed, I don’t think they knew how to tell a child anything about growing up we were  not told we could be anything we wanted to be , that we were smart or that education was the way to better ourselves we went because the laws said we had to.
We had to attend the ‘Hall’ or Bible studies many times during the week , learned a scripture a week  that we had to stand up and read along with the books of the Bible. that was always so creepy for me  as our studies were held in the home of an old genteel couple from Germany and  he gave me the creeps. All the people attending were old false teethed wrinkled smelling old people smells. Eventually my brothers didn’t have to go but Grandma kept taking me. to this day I cant’t remember a scripture or the order of the books of the Bible.

~~~~~~

Should I but return to my birth,
would life had I to start over?
I would have  parents that did not infuse my life with “abandonment issues”
that I still deal with at sixty-two years of age, causing lack of trust as well.
I would not have lost my innocence at the age of five.
I would find God and live my life with an abundance of blessings and love sooner.
I would be stronger in being and voicing “ME.”
I would have grown up with all my siblings in the same home, loving, fighting, rivalry and making memories of love to come home to.
I would have grown a backbone or as they say today “put on your big girl panties and get on with it.”
I would complete my education without being a single mom, working and trying but never accomplishing the gift of the degree.
I would choose my soul mate rather than letting men ‘choose’ me.
I would have many friends and kept the relationship for years and years.
I would have loving fun grandparents and from both sides of the family.
I would parent my daughters, with more unconditional love, as I now parent my grandchildren with fun, laughter, and higher expectations. Teaching more values.
I would take the time to see life through their eyes as I do with the miracles of grandchildren.
I would have never lost an adult child to domestic murder, never felt the burden of this grief.
I would love more, loved deeper, as the old song says.
I would be a better “me” 

Each day our grief is like the ebb and flow an ocean rushing at us one minute and easing back another each grain of sand a tiny piece of our heart washing away. Know you are not alone God is with you. 

After I’ve taken my last breath
Share the memories of me with
your children and grandchildren
Pass the love along that you felt
with me even when we loved in anger.
Share me in the way I gathered
all to my table to feed when hungry
The way I gave a blanket
and a pillow to lay
their head
Do this to share me.
If you begin to miss me
and you feel the need to cry
go ahead, then rise up too
wipe another’s tears
Feel the suns warmth
See the moon’s light
Listen to the blowing wind
Relish the crunch of  snow
Hear the thunder, smell the
rain, I am there washing the grief
from your heart.
When you wish for my hugs
reach out and hug another
With your arms around them
You are sharing a part of me and
I am hugging you through them
Hugs are healing give them often
Share me.
The greatest gift I leave this earth
are the bits of me in how I treated
others how I loved and treated each one.
Remember me the way I spoke to
you and others in their pain.
Share me
Share the way I loved with an open heart
Keep the memories of me inside you
But share them with those you love and
I will love them with you, love is only
made to be given away, I gave you
my love, I gave you all I had
Share me in this way.
© Copyright 2017, All Rights Reserved

When you’re five
lying in bed waiting for
the wood floors to creak
you lie so still
so he’ll think you’re asleep
When you’re ten
you think here he comes again
you start to shake
so scared you pee the bed
At twelve you begin to develop
his friends begin to say you are so pretty
as they give you a wink and slobbery grin
By now you’ve heard it all
as they grab and pinch or
push you against a wall
the hardness of their privates
pushing like a stick again and again
It hurts but not as bad as what
happens at night
Now you’re in high school
and a jock spikes your drink
taking you to his car pushing
you in the backseat
muffling your screams
his whisper of if you tell
I’ll say you gave it freely
You cry all the way home
sneaking quietly up the stairs
too ashamed and scared to tell
conditioned by the “no one will
believe you” or “I will hurt you more”
They are the many, besides
no one will believe you.
You tell yourself you’re not
really a whore or an easy fuck
those pretty names meaning
You deserve what you get
So you get high with the shit
bought on the street
to forget for a little while
this is what you are made for.
© Copyright 2017, All Rights Reserved