Terror in Our Country & My Heart

Since my heart attacks and my mini-stroke my memory & thought processes are nearly null & void. But I have paid attention to what is going on in our world and especially our country since DJT became the leader. All through the campaign, I listened and I watched and I became fearful. At first, like many, I said to myself and a few family members “oh no he won’t be elected, ” I just knew the most qualified woman would be elected alas it wasn’t to be and there are many factors that played into that but I want to talk about something that is happening right now, although it has been happening for some time it has gotten progressively worse and I have to speak out, I have to write it out here in hopes that the heaviness in my heart will lift.
The burden on my heart is what is happening at our borders to the refugees that are coming here to what they hoped will be a better life only to find their children are being ripped from their breasts and not seen again. I don’t recognize this country anymore. Please don’t tell me about Native Americans, slavery or Japanese Internment Camps, I remember my history lessons and my family ( I say this with shame)  owned slaves in Alabama and they fought to keep them, my half-sisters are 1/2 Cherokee. I know the horror of what was done.
I visited Auschwitz in Poland just typing the name makes the hair on my neck rise. What I see and hear happening today with all the tent cities, children being taken away for baths, the brutality of police shooting unarmed black men and boys for minor if any infractions The lies and the blame that comes every day from the highest office in our land, the manipulation of the stock market, the shouts of “lock her up”, the scream of “fake news” the undermining of our judicial system. It is a five-alarm fire every day and it is terrifying.
I know the people that voted for DJT thinking a businessman would right the wrongs in their world and thought the country needed to go a different direction are not the uneducated, ignorant racist many are called but so many are and I wonder every day is this what they wanted? Is it okay that the 401K’s, stocks and savings they counted on are dropping daily? Are they okay with the tariffs that will put our farmers out of business, with the absence of healthcare and the rest that is taking place? Was it worth hearing those babies crying for their Papi & Mami and the workers view them through the cages not being able to pick them up and soothe them because it’s against policy due to giving no chance of sexual abuse? And where are the little girls?
I don’t know the answers, I am an emotional person, things like this tear me up inside and it terrifies me. I am afraid for those children, I am afraid for my own children and grandchildren, what kind of world are we leaving them?
I’m sorry I know I am rambling and making no sense I just had to write this out.
#Resistance is all we have please vote to change our legislature in November this year, please.


I feel the weariness of my years,
reflection reveals the wrinkles, the gray, the tears
Dull pain in the eyes, eyes with sparkle washed
away like the tide washing sand away
Washing away time, time that has stood still for some.
I seek peace and love, music to soothe, a sleeping child
A fresh flower, a moonlit drive to calm, a way to say
what needs to be said before time stands still.
I feel the weariness of my years, day by day
hour by hour.

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Many that follow this blog know I have been away for some time, healing to the extent a mother can when she loses a child. Learning to love life again and accepting that every day for the rest of my life I will miss my precious daughter, but that I must heal and bend into this new normal and be the me I was before…before my world fell apart. I am picking up the pieces and moving on, not easy but with love in my heart for the preciousness of life and spreading that love in every way physically by deed and with my words.

This year of 2014 has been one of insignificance in some ways, everyday hum drum, losing loved ones, gaining new friends, building relationships, helping others to grow. I suppose no different for me than for many others. This year has been one of reflection as well, as I grow in age, maturity and wisdom I find that with age comes a lot of shaking my head in amazement at the memories of things I have done or said. Believing I was so smart or witty when in reality at 63 years seven months and 22 days I am not much more mature, educated or steadfast than at the age of 25 or 30. 
I have learned this year that it is okay to be all those things I was at 25, I can still be stubborn, opinionated; believe in one God, family, friends and to take back my joy.

I have learned this year that it is okay to express love to embrace it and then throw it away like confetti raining down during the stroke of the clock at midnight on New Year’s Eve. I have come to believe that everyone is capable of love and of accepting it when given if one chooses. My philosophy this whole year has been to give the love I have inside hoping it challenges the receiver to pay it forward in their circle, to experience the weight that tends to lift from the shoulders when they start spreading love as I have.

I do not mean go around hugging everyone and saying “I love you” unless that is your thing.  I do not and have never let a loved one leave the house, a call or a text without saying I love you, just something I do personally and the rewards, oh my the reward that comes from those three words. Say in your mind each day, “today I will love everyone” make it your mantra. When stuck in traffic and feeling the rage, or sharp words with a co-worker, a child, a spouse just whisper in your mind “today I will love everyone” and you will see how much your attitude, your mind, your spirit/soul begins to feel lighter and more joyful. This, I have done, this year of 2014 and it has been wonderful.
Don’t get me wrong I have had days, weeks of bad ; arguments with grown children, service providers, my chair sitter, especially when he starts “sun downing”  (Alzheimer’s) many of life’s normal irritants’ but through it all I am loving and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to do so.
I love you.


Happiness an emotion shown by smiles, laughter
and sometimes happy tears
Some are happy all the time or in between fears
Some never achieve that  euphoric state
Learn and know only how to hate
I believe happiness is there the day we are born
Life and it’s circumstances erode happiness
from our souls.
I don’t trust happiness, I don’t trust anyone
Never have never will
This I have accepted as my fate
I am a quiet, lonely, dark person
Someday I wish I could change.


Spiralling~~like water going down the drain
that vortex of darkness and the whoosh explodes
in the brain.
Depression grabs and holds so very deep
depths never known before
great gulping sobs for voice
language gutteral, buried deep in the abysmal pit
afraid to come forth in its verocity~
the body not strong enough
to withstand the force of the screams.