Category: Heart Matters

GROWING OLDER

~ lenwilliamscarver ~ Leave a comment

When do we realize how old we have become
Is it when we see the deep lines etched on our face
the dullness of hearing and eyesight
When the once ramrod spine begins to shrink
Is it when we feel our strength begin to wane
When each limb becomes stiff each chore
becomes harder due to the pain
In our youth, we failed to see how it would be
We believed the hype of”Golden Years”
Now we weep for the past our hearts stirred
by the melancholy of past years.
We live each day, long days
leaving us to wonder where did it go
Why are we left in this last stage of life
that seems to linger as we become numb,
frozen, hoping each day of pain will be the last?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why The Best…

~ lenwilliamscarver ~ Leave a comment

We place our hearts in the hard frozen ground
shedding tears over the coffin turning them to icicles to
melt and flow again, as they will time and again from this day forward.
We’ve placed the spray of flowers, plucking one or two as a
memento as if we should ever need reminding.
Young and old we put in beautiful boxes, subconsciously
believing the more beautiful the box the more others
know how deep our love.
We place them one at a time or 17, 26, or 100’s
No matter what has caused us to buy tiny plots of ground
all lined up with numbers and names individually or in masses.
Down into the hardened ground, the dark, to never see the light again Never to laugh, dance, love, live.
Fragments of dust, the best of us is gone.
So hard to accept, to cope, to understand
Why the best of us is gone.

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Someday

~ lenwilliamscarver ~ Leave a comment

Someday you will find me in a dark dirty neighborhood bar
where beer is served so cold it hurts your teeth to slurp it down
where cold sandwiches and a bag of chips are served for
breakfast, lunch, and dinner if you last that long
I’ll have crumbled Marlboro packs around me and ashes on
my shirt,  burn holes in my old faded jeans.
If you look for me someday and I’m not at the bar I will be
at the old Wurlitzer playing all the oldies a dollar at a time,
Someday you will find me passed out on my sofa a
cigarette burnt to my fingers, whiskey bottle in my hand
the old turntable scratching the end of the song.
Someday you’ll look at me with sympathy and disgust
written on your face, wondering how I got to such a state.
Just know that somewhere sometime I don’t know when
my someday of happiness, love, life left me to this
darkened world of depression and this dirty lonely life.

I FEEL YOU

~ lenwilliamscarver ~ Leave a comment

Photos in an old cracked album
Yellowed corners curled
Greeting cards given over the years
Signed with love, your signature
A jewelry box with sparkly things
A junior high diary, key unfound
Rents my heart into again and again
We were together for the better
and the worst, we survived it all

I had your name tattooed on my wrist
I see it and I know you are with me
As if I need to know that by seeing ink.
I feel you in my heart
I wake with you my first thought
I close my eyes at dark with you my thought
Then the tears they fall, the heart rips again
I wake with you my first thought and a bed
full of tissues.

 

 

Regret

~ lenwilliamscarver ~ 1 Comment

No one can know
How I’m feeling
How empty and alone
I toss and I turn
I can’t sleep it seems
Before the sun begins to rise
Your face and my words
Haunt my thoughts
Looping thru my head
Tears fall shamefully
Each drop filled with regret
Deep inside I know it’s
All my fault that you’re gone
I am dying inside
Do my feelings matter…anyone?

 

LOVING WITH ALZHEIMERS

~ lenwilliamscarver ~ Leave a comment

“I told you yesterday and the day before” she snaps but only in her mind. Some days she is afraid the words actually come out of her mouth for him to hear. In no way would she remind him knowing how bad he would feel forgetting, the frustration and anger with himself.
The days are long and lonely for them both, no one but doctor appointment reminders or telemarketers call. No one comes by to visit even the housekeeper they could barely afford comes anymore.
He sleeps in his recliner in front of the tv not liking to sleep in the bedroom anymore which at times she appreciates  yet most times not. She misses the feel of him, the warmth heck even the snoring.
Many days  when the weather is pleasant she has him sit outside on the deck for the fresh air and sun while she slowly cleans, oh for the days when she could clean more than one room a day. She learned to lock the gates the first day he decided to wander, one minute he was sitting quietly the next he was gone. Racing outside to look and her heart stopped seeing the gate swung open. She quickly slammed it shut and to the front of the house, she ran as quickly as she could and there he stood, he looked up from the Elephant Ear plant and calmly as if he was unaware of her panting breath and the grimace of pain on her face  stated, “look how big these leaves have grown.”
Times like these she thought maybe just maybe God will be good to them and keep him at this stage, she could live with him like this happily for many years. Then he looks at her to the plant and back to her and mumbles something about being late for work and her heart weeps again.

MY YEAR OF 2014

~ lenwilliamscarver ~ Leave a comment

Many that follow this blog know I have been away for some time, healing to the extent a mother can when she loses a child. Learning to love life again and accepting that every day for the rest of my life I will miss my precious daughter, but that I must heal and bend into this new normal and be the me I was before…before my world fell apart. I am picking up the pieces and moving on, not easy but with love in my heart for the preciousness of life and spreading that love in every way physically by deed and with my words.

This year of 2014 has been one of insignificance in some ways, everyday hum drum, losing loved ones, gaining new friends, building relationships, helping others to grow. I suppose no different for me than for many others. This year has been one of reflection as well, as I grow in age, maturity and wisdom I find that with age comes a lot of shaking my head in amazement at the memories of things I have done or said. Believing I was so smart or witty when in reality at 63 years seven months and 22 days I am not much more mature, educated or steadfast than at the age of 25 or 30. 
I have learned this year that it is okay to be all those things I was at 25, I can still be stubborn, opinionated; believe in one God, family, friends and to take back my joy.

I have learned this year that it is okay to express love to embrace it and then throw it away like confetti raining down during the stroke of the clock at midnight on New Year’s Eve. I have come to believe that everyone is capable of love and of accepting it when given if one chooses. My philosophy this whole year has been to give the love I have inside hoping it challenges the receiver to pay it forward in their circle, to experience the weight that tends to lift from the shoulders when they start spreading love as I have.

I do not mean go around hugging everyone and saying “I love you” unless that is your thing.  I do not and have never let a loved one leave the house, a call or a text without saying I love you, just something I do personally and the rewards, oh my the reward that comes from those three words. Say in your mind each day, “today I will love everyone” make it your mantra. When stuck in traffic and feeling the rage, or sharp words with a co-worker, a child, a spouse just whisper in your mind “today I will love everyone” and you will see how much your attitude, your mind, your spirit/soul begins to feel lighter and more joyful. This, I have done, this year of 2014 and it has been wonderful.
Don’t get me wrong I have had days, weeks of bad ; arguments with grown children, service providers, my chair sitter, especially when he starts “sun downing”  (Alzheimer’s) many of life’s normal irritants’ but through it all I am loving and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to do so.
I love you.