I am so scared right now. I have been trying to hold the darkness away but today is my grandsons birthday, he committed suicide and today is National Suicide Prevention day and it is all I can think about. That maybe if I just ended it all this pain would go away. I’ve no pills or guns to end it and that is a good thing yetI am thinking about it.
In trying to count my blessings, the things that are ugly are taking over my thoughts even as I try to count them. Lord help me stop this spiral.
As a straight white woman of privilege. I declare that until the Russian Agent is removed from OUR White House by any means: I am a Muslim, I am Black, I am Brown, I am LGBTQ, I am poor, I am an Immigrant, I am a Refugee, I am an American
How do you ask forgiveness when you
don’t believe you were entirely wrong
when the other won’t meet, talk with you
when the other claims “I won’t say because
I respect you” and walks away, without saying
what they believe you did or said something
when all their life they have held an underlying anger
toward you and refused to discuss what or why?
When you know you have spoken hurtful words
cutting words because you yourself were hurting by
the others words and actions
How do you forgive yourself?
Lawrence Ferlinghetti decades ago wrote and it gives me chills to read it today:
“Pity the nation whose people are sheep,
and whose shepherds mislead them.
Pity the nation whose leaders are liars, whose sages are silenced,
and whose bigots haunt the airwaves.
Pity the nation that raises not its voice,
except to praise conquerors and acclaim the bully as hero
and aims to rule the world with force and by torture.
Pity the nation that knows no other language but its own
and no other culture but its own.
Pity the nation whose breath is money
and sleeps the sleep of the too well fed.
Pity the nation — oh, pity the people who allow their rights to erode
and their freedoms to be washed away.
My country, tears of thee, sweet land of liberty.”
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Tonight I totally lost all semblance of strength and just burst into tears. Not a day goes by I don’t think of my daughter, it’s seven years and the pan is as raw today as it was Feb 19, 2011. Generally, I can think of her with happiness and a bit of a trembling lip when the fact she is gone hits me. Yet tonight I lost it as if I had just received that horrible phone call. I know the agony of losing her will be with me until the day I pass away but Lord I wish it didn’t hurt so bad the majority of the time.
My immune system and other ailments have me weak physically and stress has had me for a really long time, depression as well. I just thought I was doing so well and if others were around and hubs weren’t asleep they would be putting me in a straitjacket.
I don’t know why I am writing this just needed to get it off my chest. I need no pity or comfort I just needed to write it.
The first day of Daylight Savings Time (DST), it is a dark, gloomy, cloudy day feeling like winter more than a nearness of Spring. I had hoped for a bright glorious day to give us all huge smiles. It would be a day with one less hour of the fake in the WH and his crew.
Instead, it was a day that had a ray of beautiful sun beamed through the window onto the hardwood floor, I would have tripped over it.