ABOUT 2


I am a  writer sometimes poet traveling a gravel road barefoot and hungry. I was born and raised in Colorado. Raised by my fathers parents along with two of my brothers an uncle and an aunt that were still at home at that time.  We suffered dearly through horrific mental and sexual abuse except by our gram, she did her best to protect us and taught us that there is love in the world and we had some value. She also gave us our religious teachings which I am grateful for, can’t say for my two brothers.

Our mother returned for us when I was just turning 12 she had a new family and needed a babysitter, my brothers were just the extra baggage that had to be taken as well. Years passed and I never thought a thought of my own just let others make decisions for me , I am very lucky  for some of the situations I put myself in  were extremely dangerous, guess God was looking out for me.  Anyway I married and divorced three times but had three beautiful daughters of which I am extremely proud.

Of the three marriages, one ended due to extreme physical and emotional abuse which is when as they say now “I pulled up my big girl panties” and got a back bone, my children were placed in a home while I was in hospital for three weeks with the last beating. By the guidance and blessings of the mother-in-law I had at that time, I obtained a GED (General Education Diploma), my first driver’s license at the age of 27, and a start on a college education. That ended abruptly with the divorce that took four years and a custody battle over my youngest that lasted 19 years.

I met  my present husband in 1984, coming into it with the baggage of abandonment, sexual and physical abuse issues and custody battles .  In 1987 the soon to be hubs decided I was worth keeping and married me in a civil ceremony, I have since tried to nominate him for Sainthood but they say he has to do miracles and die first well the miracle is he loves me and I can’t let him die!

In 2011 tragedy struck when my first-born daughter at the age of forty-one was murdered by her significant other after eleven years together. I am to this day lost and so grief-stricken I don’t believe I will ever recover from it and it has taken all I have to forgive the man who took her life but I had to forgive him to be forgiven…  A dear friend/poet/author/photographer encouraged me to try writing poetry. I found I CAN NOT write poetry but I can tell a short story or two and so that is what I am doing. My stories are some true, not exactly true and some just my imagination,   I have no formal education in writing heck I barely speak proper English let alone write it, I do not understand punctuation orits use, I can barely spell anymore  and don’t remember verbs adverbs and all that .  They say I suffer a form of PSTD and I suppose I do, along with all that entails, so I forget very easily and memorization is long gone.

Having said all that I would appreciate your reading and if it appeals follow, feel free to give comments but please remember I am of fragile mind (LOL)  but I do take constructive critique well just don’t use the 25 cent college words 10 cent ones are all I understand! LOL Have a glorious, blessed, beautiful day. ~Len

PS:

As you read the things I write keep in mind that I am a basket case most days but always a woman of strength and introspective of life and most of all I have learned to survive, love and forgive others,

most of all I have found forgiveness of myself. God bless and keep you. I hope you find it in your hearts to follow my blog and feel free to comment. ~~Len Williams Carver

A bit more about me (always our favorite subject, right?) We all love to talk about ourselves to some extent hope this isn’t overload for you.

Ten years ago on January 13, 2003 I suffered a myocardial infarction (MI), a heart attack of great proportion. This is how and what transpired…

My next to the youngest grandson Eric Jason, two months and eight days old son of my next to youngest daughter was the first of my grandsons I had ever been blessed to see born and what a magnificent appreciation of life insight that brought to this old woman! Oops sorry, I digress…

I had a rare day off that cold January day so I arose early did what chores that were of necessity only, as it was a day to spend with my beautiful daughter and new grandson. I drove to my daughters home and was having a wonderful visit but felt after a while that her home was just too hot or perhaps I had layered up too much. Removing my pullover sweater I still had my shirt and chemise and the shirt was long-sleeved. After a few moments, I began to just feel off kilter a bit but thought it might be again the heat and perhaps a little anxiety. In trying to make myself feel better I told my daughter I was going to step outside to get some air, as I got to the front porch I sat down on a step and leaned against a wrought iron railing. The blessed coolness felt wonderful and my head was beginning to clear when I began to feel extremely weak and both my arms were getting heavy, to the point of feeling as if they were going to fall off my shoulders, then just pure numbness.

As my daughter opened her door to check on me I stated: “ Maybe you had better call your sister and have her come drive me home, I don’t think I can do it.” Where the words came from I will never know only that I said: “Never mind, I think you better take me to hospital.”
I did not know what made me say those words; I was never much of a doctor or hospital person prior to this time. (I now believe it was the Lord guiding my words).
Somehow she managed to bundle up the boy, herself and me pile us into the Jimmy and drive me the twenty-five miles to hospital, somewhere along the way I began to lose consciousness, in and out as we traveled the highway but do remember her saying “There is Andrea”, (my youngest) she lead the way from that point on to the hospital I am told.

Arriving at the hospital, I vaguely remember seeing my husband and telling each of them I loved them as I was  rushed to a bed and there were a massive amount of people around me doing all kinds of things and asking so many questions and for some reason I kept telling them to not forget my contacts, what I wanted them to do with my contacts or why I again don’t know. Then suddenly I heard “get them out we are losing her” and I remember nothing until waking up in a hospital room with my husband and a doctor standing at the end of my bed talking. Once they realized I was awake the hubs quickly came to my side with tears in his eyes and taking my head he just looked at me and with more emotion than I had ever heard before but fortunately heard many times since he told me how much he loved me and that I scared him. Then the doctor spoke up saying “Mrs. Carver you have had a major heart attack, you will be fine but you must quit smoking, you were blocked 99% in one artery and 95% in the other. You have a couple of small arteries that have grown like offshoots to compensate for the blockage and you are fortunate that you were brought in or you would not have survived.”

Wow! Not exactly what I was expecting, but not one Marlboro or any other tobacco product has since touched these lips. No wait, not true, after I had been home about three months I found an old package of Marlboros in an old purse and went out on the deck lit up and immediately started coughing and it tasted horrible!
I stayed in the hospital a week and the day before coming home I suffered another heart attack and a week later another, with the result that fifty percent of my heart is severely damaged.
I came home after a time and felt so blessed my daughters had cleaned everything from top to bottom, there was not an ashtray or lighter anywhere. The house smelled so clean and fresh, not that I smoked very often in the house but late at night or when cold I admit to doing so. A forty year pack and a half a day habit overcome and I was quite happy about it for I had tried throughout the years to quit to no avail. I had always said ‘if they had a thirty-day rehab center like they do for drugs and alcohol then maybe I could quit. Truth told I enjoyed smoking and miss not the taste or smell but that feeling of relaxation achieved at the times I smoked a cigarette.

The first month home I realized my strength and stamina were greatly deficient compared to ‘before’. I will admit to feeling very lost with what to do with myself I faced depression to an extent never felt before, I also faced my mortality; that I could have died. Had it not been for my Dusti~ Jean driving me I would have/could have died right there on her porch, in the car, at the hospital! To never see my family again to not be able to see my grandsons again,

To never know whether my youngest would ever be well and happy, to never spend another day with my best friend, love of my life, the hubs the man who saved me from a whole other way of life!
Lord, I should have been on my knees thanking You but no I just spiraled further into the pits of depression. Not to mention I couldn’t go back to work yet and I had finally made it to the upper management position I had worked so hard for and was really settling in and loving it.

I was so lost and depressed and no one person in the medical field told me I would go through such or that I would have that moment where the enormity of what I had been through would hit me and knock me to my knees. No one ever said you have had a real brush with death with the exception of the cardiologist that first day hours after surgery where in my drug induced state I don’t believe I comprehended the situation.

I have in the past ten years come to realize how close to death I came and now suffer great anxiety when my heart starts acting up. I have six stents in my arteries and in all honesty, should have had bypass surgery as told by the last two cardiologists seen. I am now in congestive heart failure, with me thinking this is it; I am going now on many occasions. But circumstances again change…

I am no longer afraid of dying from heart failure as I have been diagnosed with COPD/Emphysema (5 years ago) and know that it will kill me in a horribly painful way.

The inability to get a breath of any magnitude will eventually just be my undoing, I am terrified of going that way but it is the way of things and I am learning to accept that it doesn’t matter how I go. What matters is the pain my family will suffer I wish to cause them not that grief and sense of loss (presumptuous to assume they will) ha.
But God has seen fit to leave me here a while longer for what purpose I do not know I am grateful for each and every moment and try my best to make each one count. I pray to be a more loving, accepting person, a woman with love in her heart instead of sickness physically and emotionally. I am finding each day a peace in my life an acceptance of myself for all I have been through in these sixty-one years and survived. I am blessed with life be it good or bad, relationships healed or broken, lessons learned some ignored. I am growing in my walk and love of Christ and thank Him constantly for my many blessings.
I don’t know if it is the plan or purpose to have a total contentment and peace in this life of mine, I only know that each person I come into contact with outside of my home, in this world of blogging, in church wherever has made an impact and helped me to grow to where I am today, I finally feel worthy of being here and to my daughters thank you for saving my life that fateful day. To my Lord, praise, and glory every moment. To my many friends here and out in the ‘real’ world thank you it is but two little words but your friendship, understanding, love, and support throughout all has been a true blessing and I can only hope I am as much for each of you. ~~Len


Each day our grief is like the ebb and flow an ocean rushing at us one minute and easing back another each grain of sand a tiny piece of our heart washing away. Know you are not alone God is with you. 

 

Should I but return to my birth,
would life had I to start over?
I would have  parents that did not infuse my life with “abandonment issues”
that I still deal with at sixty-two years of age, causing lack of trust as well.
I would not have lost my innocence at the age of five.
I would find God and live my life with an abundance of blessings and love sooner.
I would be stronger in being and voicing “ME.”
I would have grown up with all my siblings in the same home, loving, fighting, rivalry and making memories of love to come home to.
I would have grown a backbone or as they say today “put on your big girl panties and get on with it.”
I would complete my education without being a single mom, working and trying but never accomplishing the gift of the degree.
I would choose my soul mate rather than letting men ‘choose’ me.
I would have many friends and kept the relationship for years and years.
I would have loving fun grandparents and from both sides of the family.
I would parent my daughters, with more unconditional love, as I now parent my grandchildren with fun, laughter, and higher expectations. Teaching more values.
I would take the time to see life through their eyes as I do with the miracles of grandchildren.
I would have never lost an adult child to domestic murder, never felt the burden of this grief.
I would love more, loved deeper, as the old song says.
I would be a better “me” 

Last year at this time it was not only our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary but it was also the first time in twenty-three years that my two sisters and I had been all together. Now some may find that strange and it is, so here is a bit of background…
My mother married my father had three children (myself and two brothers), left us when I was 4 with my fathers’ parents. We grew up there in Colorado until mom came to get us when I was twelve, she had a new family at that time, my middle sister and youngest brother by that husband, they then went on to have my baby sis. There are many years between us and so many, many miles, we would hit and miss with visits as we all grew, gathered education, husbands, children and life experiences but never attained close sister time it was always off on our own paths and life’s journeys.
With the loss of my daughter in 2011 and my health deterring, I reached out and my beautiful sisters were there.
It was a miracle that we all came together and realized that we are not so different, we have varied interests as everyone does, but the commonality and our blood has kept the love and bond of sisters true within us. I personally feel Gods hand in giving me two of these beautiful souls to be a part of my life, that is why even with our different lives and not growing up with the same parents in the same household we have so much that is ironically funny, such as we all married in September and men with the last name beginning with the letter ‘C’.
With that said I am sitting here feeling excited for they will both be here tomorrow and I will have a week to visit, I am also very frustrated as I want to be physically able to get my house in order, to prepare meals and fun outings, instead I am strapped into a brace that I have to remove each time I need to walk, then put back on when I sit or lie down, I can barely stand erect at the moment as the back and hips are overcompensated by the knee and I have physical therapy three days this coming week and I cannot afford to miss any of those. Ahh, the double edge sword of my life 🙂
But I am so grateful to have life, to love and to have turned my life to the Lord and accepting of the abundance of His blessings and so grateful for the love He shows through the experiences I have with my sisters.
So with that, I wish you all a beautiful Sunday, a blessed week and prayers for the blessings you all deserve to come your way. I love you and God loves you.

 


GROWING UP

I was five years old when Grandpa Williams picked up my mother, my two brothers and myself at the Greyhound station.  tired hungry and of course cranky I’m sure. Poor momma, we had to have been a handful on that long cross-country ride. Arriving at the house we took our baths and a nap.Grandma had been busy cooking, don’t remember what it was but I’m sure it was good.
Momma took us into the living room sat us down Grandma holding my baby brother he was still in diapers now I appreciate what she had to go through on that bus trip.
Anyway, she proceeded to tell us that she was going shopping to get us some new clothes we had sunny California clothes not winter cold February in Colorado. She would be back in a few hours. she kissed us goodbye hugged us and walked out the door, don’t remember seeing her again until I was twelve.Life was good at Grandma & Grandpa’s, my youngest aunt was still home and my uncle  he was 5 years older so he was like a big brother to me. As I was the only girl  expectations were different for me I had to do the ‘woman of the house chores’ and as my brothers grew they were taken up by Grandpa and made to be ‘young men’ God he was so frickin cruel to them. I mean yes, he molested me from 5 to 12 but he beat my brothers , he belittled like I had never heard and he did it to my uncle as well. No wonder my Dad wasn’t there and an alcoholic.
It got to me that he was so respected and feared within the community, later I found out why but then I only feared him ..he could look at me sitting at the table doing homework and tell me I needed to go to bed and I knew what was coming …so I wouldn’t move and he would tell me again tell your Grandmother you are going to bed. I wet that chair so many times from fear, Grandma finally covered it in plastic.
We never went hungry but we were always the outsiders and that was more due to grandma making all of our clothes when others at school had store bought and we were raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses so we were not able to participate in things like the pledge or birthday parties Christmas etc.  And they were raised during the depression all they knew was work so that is what we were taught.
Don’t get me wrong we had play time, kick the can, hide n seek , red light blue light . but our life consisted mainly of work. I don’t remember laughter in that house yet my happiest memories are from there, because Grandma loved us she didn’t tell us she showed us everyday , we were never a burden to her as we were to him. Towards the last days there she stuck up for us more and more to her detriment  as he liked to slap her when she ‘got smart’.
My aunt eventually left home and uncle went into high school , we grew and learned  and existed, I don’t think they knew how to tell a child anything about growing up we were  not told we could be anything we wanted to be , that we were smart or that education was the way to better ourselves we went because the laws said we had to.
We had to attend the ‘Hall’ or Bible studies many times during the week , learned a scripture a week  that we had to stand up and read along with the books of the Bible. that was always so creepy for me  as our studies were held in the home of an old genteel couple from Germany and  he gave me the creeps. All the people attending were old false teethed wrinkled smelling old people smells. Eventually my brothers didn’t have to go but Grandma kept taking me. to this day I cant’t remember a scripture or the order of the books of the Bible.

~~~~~~

As a small child my grammie at close to her fifties did not hesitate to take in her oldest sons children one daughter and two sons. she was a true task master believing the “idle hands are the devils tools” so she kept us busy but the boys not so much. me I  worked from sun up to past sun down and seemed the older I got the worse she was about keeping me busy ahh but I took off there for a minute.
now I am older, wiser and less tolerant  of laziness, lack of common sense and have no concept of a 40 hour week young people. In that vein with oldest daughter  if I had nothing else for her to do, in keeping the idle hands busy I had her string buttons. My gram had several jars of buttons collected over the years and when we complained as children do “I’m bored”  out came the button jars and the thick quilting thread and needles for the larger heavier buttons thread of regular everyday quality for the others. We would sit in her sewing room if she needed to keep her eagle eye on us or we could sit on the porch and thread buttons …all the blues together, all the colors should have their own thread white or beige, and on and on. Hope there were enough buttons to last many a life time, for if buttons didn’t keep our attention there was always silver to polish or baseboards to wash.

 in memory of my gram, loved and missed so very much, my gram but my mom as well.

RIP Catherine Marie Williams  March 24, 1905~ March 30th 2005 she lived a wonderful life on her own in her own home until the day she transitioned, She was 100 years and 6 days.

~~~~~~~~
Not sure what has me thinking so hard on my mother but she has been on my mind for days.
Gone since 2007, these questions still haunt me.

me at about 7

Questions I Wish I Would Have Asked My Mother

I loved you with all a little girls heart could love1368%2520-%2520Copy[1]
Why did you leave me with family I did not know
You know he hurt me physically over and over
Through the years, I know you were told,

I found letters written back and forth.

Why did you choose men over your children?
I almost did the same but I remembered

How much it hurt, how it broke my heart
As your men broke my bones, my bit of self-esteem

Why did you break your promises?
That first one when you said you would be back
In a couple of hours but it was a life time of

years and pain and hurt and tears.

Why weren’t you there for me?
When I was sick with fever and pain
When I cried at night as he came again
Where were you Mother when I needed
your rescue and loving touch?

Why did you not see the hurt inside of me
When I was scared, when I cried your name

Where were you when I needed your help?

I needed my mother not my grandmother
Though she gave me more love in one day

Than you did and she was one to stay.
Where were you when I needed my mother?

What happened to make you hate your children so?
Were we not important to you did you hate us
that much?

Now you are gone and hard as I try I still

Feel the need for your love, I regret the

Life I had with you, for it scared me, deeply

So deep that I did not know how to be
a better mother to my daughters three.
But at least I tried and I loved and protected
with all that was in me.
Was it too much to ask that as my mother

me at about 7

You do the same for me?

*****

DADDYS CROSS
The call came early in the morning, Dad had fallen and had a heart attack, and he had been left alone in the restroom for nearly an hour and a half. He tried to get back to his wheelchair by himself and knowing the stubbornness and quick level of frustration he could exhibit, I am sure he was really stressed and probably in his mind cursing the person that left him there, the consequences of the incompetence of the person that was to help him and that stress caused him to die on that bathroom floor. They said the EMT’s revived him there and again in the ambulance, but just before arriving at the hospital he was gone again.

The call was unexpected, he had been doing well I was told in my weekly call just a few days before to the facility. I called at the least once a week, but when really missing my Dad I would call more often. It hurt me that I could not be there with him but living over six hundred miles away and just having had heart surgery I could not yet travel. I know that he probably wondered why I wasn’t visiting twice a month as I had been, I wrote letters and sent cards, clothing and just that month for his birthday had sent him a transistor radio so he could listen to his ball games (do you know how hard it was to find a transistor radio in this day and age of technology?), and a new set of magnetic alphabet and numbers for his cookie sheet. Dad had his Larynx removed several years before due to cancer and could no longer speak and refused adamantly I might add to use the device given to him to help him speak, he could be

so darn stubborn, so he used the device I improvised for him to communicate. He once requested a ‘m.f.’ from the CAN and she thought he was calling her a name when what he wanted was another muffin served at breakfast.

After giving permission for the hospital staff to take him off life support and making arrangements with the funeral home that day, I collapsed and went into a depression even more so than before; remember I had faced my own mortality with my own heart condition. I never even thought about my father’s belongings at the facility I could not care less about them I was grieving the first man to ever love me, my Daddy.

It wasn’t but a few days later I received a package in the mail, it was my father’s ashes, death certificate and what he had with him at the time of cremation. Inside the envelope with all the legal paperwork was a much smaller envelope, sealed, when I opened it my heart leapt to my throat and I then began to sob uncontrollably for there was the 14 kt gold cross with the emerald (our birthstone) in the center that I had given him for his 60th birthday, he was 72 when he passed. I had not seen him wearing it and had actually figured he pawned it or was stolen from him when he was out drinking. To think that he still had it and was wearing it meant so much to me, I have it put away to give my grandson Eric someday, he never knew his great grandpa but I wish to tell him about the man that loved me unconditionally and taught me to swing a hammer, tell a 2×4 from a 2×6, although he could not teach me how to read a tape measure LOL.
~~~~~~~
Daughters, if there was one thing I could be
I would be a lantern lighting the way of your life’s path
Shining the way to make life easier and without woes
So you would never have to fight for or with the many foes

I would turn back tides, open doors wide
removing all blocks to your success
If I could light your path to make life easier
Even the strongest storms I would deter
I am always here for you my precious two
To cheer you when down and blue
Do Not worry when life gets tough
As sometimes the journey is rough
Just know in your heart I am here
I will always be close and near
If I could be  but that one thing you need
It would be the lantern to light your path
To teach and help you to plant a little seed
A seed of love to pass along on the path
you may someday light for another.

KATHERINE MARIE BURROWS~WILLIAMS
BORN MARCH 24, 1905
TRANSITIONED TO NEW LIFE IN HEAVEN
MARCH 30, 2005
TIME ON EARTH 100 YEARS AND SIX DAYS

LOVE AND MISS YOU GRAM!

As I look upon this photo
of a lined face, hair of silver

The memory of your smile and

Love fills me.

As I remember you today
your 108th birthday, I miss you so
our years together many and

The precious memories
we made sustain me while apart

I forever hold these times in my heart

I look at your photo so loving

my heart is breaking
for losing you gram was so painful
You were not just our gram but our mother too
You took us in when no one wanted us
loved us and taught us, for we were part of you
I hope you look down from heaven and know
how much we appreciated and adored you too.

I feel you each day beside me
and when my time has come
I pray Jesus will lead me by the hand
into the loving arms of you.


GROWING UP IN SEPARATE HOUSEHOLDS

DIFFERENT FATHERS, DIFFERENT ERAS

 MISSING THE THINGS SISTERS SHARE

LIKE SECRETS ABOUT BOYS, FIRST KISSES

CRUSHES, BOOKS, MUSIC, FIGHTING OVER

FAVORITE JEANS OR SWEATERS, 

PRACTICING MAKEUP TECHNIQUES

PLANNING OUR WEDDINGS, TRIPLE

OF COURSE.

 WE CAME TOGETHER AS GROWN WOMEN

WITH HUSBANDS OF OUR OWN,

CHILDREN AND GRANDBABIES TOO. 

NEVER HAD ALL THOSE THINGS 

A STRANGER COULDN’T TELL FOR EVEN 

THOUGH WE LIVED APART WE ALMOST

ALMOST HAD OUR TRIPLE WEDDING

J ~ L    09~14~1974

L~ R    09~21~1987

D ~ M  09~12~2003

LOVE MY SISTERS JUDY AND DEBBIE

Today being Father’s day and the sermon at church and honoring of fathers , I have tried all day to write something about my father who I love dearly and left me way to soon.

daddy was 21 when I was born which would make him 82 today. I was my fathers first born my grandparents first granddaughter, and I was born May 1st my father May 3rd so I was forever his “birthday present”. Mother and Daddy had two more children together my brothers that I love dearly and am not as close to  as I would like to be, no matter how hard I try. Mother went on to have more children with three living  my two adorable sisters and one brother. Daddy went on to have  five or six more with his second wife,  unfortunately they are alcoholics, in prison, committed suicide or have drug problems. I don’t know them well enough to remember their names but one she used to call me when she was drunk (most of the time) and want to argue and cry about how Daddy loved me more than her or he did more for me. Possibly I don’t know.

I do know that my father died May 19th, 2003 and I was unable to be with him when he passed and had the burden of directing the pulling of the plug and organ donation from a distance of some six hundred miles, that and making them wait until my uncle could take my grandmother to see her son  one last time.

Daddy was in and out  of my life and for my brothers more out than in and  he was definitely in more  than mother in a lot of ways. Daddy was a total alcoholic, yet one of the best mill wright framing carpenters ever. He demanded large money, large jobs like million dollar stables for Preakness winners, millwright work for world~renowned doctors and actors. But only when he was dry and sober which could be for two or three years at a time, then binge for months. Don’t get me wrong  I say dry and sober meaning he would only drink beer, a six pack a night rather than a case.

Daddy was hard on my brothers for he knew no  other way for that is the way he was brought up. I of course was
the lil princess and could do no wrong.  I just hid it from him better than they did. LOL

The whole point of this ‘confession’ about my Daddy is that for as good as he was to me, as close as we were , he was mean to me as well when he was drunk. He would try and fight with me when I wouldn’t give him money  or call me horrible names when I wouldn’t buy him beer. I sent him to rehab twice and dried him out and he wanted me to do it a third time but I held off, he was in Kentucky working and he didn’t want to lose this big important client, it was too late he had pawned his tools, his truck was impounded, he had been in jail and he had been beaten, during the physical  at the jail they found a problem and at the expense of the state had him tested. Daddy had throat cancer, all those years of smoking non ~ filtered Pall Malls all his life and this was the consequence. they ended up taking his Larynx and then some. Daddy being Daddy was stubborn and refused to stay around long enough to be fitted for a voice box, he wanted out of jail and Kentucky. So to my house in Kansas he came. He wrote everything after that and I still have notes from hs last visit to my home.

Daddy went on to Colorado to the family home where my grandmother and his brother my uncle were, at this point my grandfather was in a nursing home and died shortly after my father returned. I visited often that next three years. Daddy had stepped out of the car and his hip snapped and his leg with bone going through it and in trying to brace himself he broke his shoulder and forearm shattering those bones too. Due to the excessive drinking he had taken to doing he did not heal correctly after surgery he was placed in a nursing facility where he was to be rehabbed. When my youngest daughter and I arrived in Colorado we walked into the facility and I immediately said this is not fit for any human and turned around walked out and found a facility  to take my father that day.  We stayed extra days in order to speak with his doctor he informed us that my father was a vegetable basically  with a diagnosis of a “wet brain” every brain cell was dead due to the alcohol.

Daddy two years later fell in the facilities bathroom after an aid failed to check on him for more than an hour,
he had a heart attack, they brought him back twice there on the floor and once again at the hospital.
When they called to tell me I was shocked and angered and scared and so upset that I was ill at the time having just had three heart attacks myself and couldn’t get there to be with him.
Daddy was brain dead and would not have known I was there anyway, but it haunts, me did I do the right thing?
He didn’t have many organs not affected by  alcohol but he had his eyes so I donated them. Did I do the right thing I don’t know, I had Daddy cremated and sent to me he has a very special place in my home but I will have this guilt for the rest of my life that I put him in that place where I thought he would get better care.

I miss my Daddy and these holidays …Fathers Day, His Birthday, the day of his passing these days are the worst
for I miss him so much and I wonder what a normal life with a father would have been like?  what would a normal life with parents  have been like? Questions in the heart of a sixty-one year old woman with emotions of a five year old when it comes to Daddy.

MOTHERLESS
” do you believe that a mother who has a great relationship with her children should limit involvement — when the kids are fine with it?”

As one that grew up without a mother’s influence, I deperately wanted to be a good mother to my children, I wanted them to know they were loved, I wanted them to be perfect, consequently I smothered them with too much love, I was critical instead of always nurturing. I did not know any other way as my gram raised me with a strong work ethic and religion but nothing else of good common sense or  encouragement. So I mothered by wing, prayer and dysfunction. In trying to make up for that I have somewhat  achieved with my three daughters (one no longer with us), one that does not come around,the other on a part time basis, she is as critical of me today as I was to her in the past. She can’t /won’t let me be the better new me that has worked hard to change, others see it but she is blinded by what I taught her I guess.  she is always correcting or putting me down, I just stay quiet and pray that someday maybe she will see me for who I really am  the mom that loves her unconditionally and would like to be involved. to be able to go shopping or out to eat with out saying something wrong would be wonderful but she would have to bring a big roll of duct tape and I would need a shield around my heart with a BIG box of tissues.


KELLIE REALLY GAVE US A PROMPT FROM HELL FOR THIS FRIDAY JUNE 29, 2012

I CAN NOT COME UP WITH ANY THING MY MIND IS A BLANK SLATE.  MAYBE ITS BECAUSE THE  STRESS OF THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE GOTTEN TO ME I DON’T KNOW JUST FEEL VERY DULL, BLANK, OVERWHELMED, LOST AND WANT TO TAKE A ROAD TRIP TO SEE MY SISTERS.

MANY OF YOU DON’T KNOW  THIS BUT MY HUSBAND HAS EARLY ONSET ALZEHEIMERS AND I AM NOT A PATIENT PERSON , BUT BOY AM I LEARNING QUICKLY!  IT IS A VERY CONFUSING TIME WE ARE IN.

 I HAVE BEEN IN HOSPITAL TWICE THIS MONTH AND THAT WAS A TRIP AND A HALF. NEW DIAGNOSIS, NEW SPECIALISTS AND NURSES THROUGH A TEMPORARY AGENCY THAT COULD
HAVE CARED LESS AND WAS PUTTING IN FOR THE FASTEST  GUM POPPER I SWEAR! TALK ABOUT LACK OF EMPATHY!

MY OLDEST DAUGHTER WAS MURDERED  ON FEBRUARY 19, 2011 AND THE MAN IS STILL NOT CHARGED OR CONVICTED THIS HAUNTS, ANGERS, FRUSTRATES ME, NO EMPATHY THERE EITHER.

MY GRANDSONS FROM HER  ARE TWENTY AND TWENTY~THREE, THE OLDEST LIVING WITH HIS AUNT ( MY SECOND DAUGHTER), THE YOUNGEST WITH MY HUBBY AND I . MY HUBBY  IS NOT HAPPY BUT I REFUSE AS LONG AS I HAVE A ROOF OVER MY HEAD TO ALLOW ANY FAMILY MEMBER TO BE HOMELESS! NO EMPATHY THERE.

MY  SECOND DAUGHTER ( A SINGLE MOM) NOW DRAWING UNEMPLOYMENT. SHE HAS NINE YEAR OLD BOY  HAD NO ONE TO SIT WITH HM ONE DAY SO SHE TOOK HIM WITH HER TO WORK. SHE WORKED IN AN EIGHT PATIENT  FACILITY  FOR SENIORS, MOST ENJOYED HAVING HIM THERE ..BUT SOMEONE COMPLAINED, AND SHE LOST HER POSITION AFTER JUST RECEIVING A PROMOTION THAT PUT HER IN LINE TO BE THE NEW FACILITY SUPERVISOR NEXT STEP.  NOW I HAVE EMPATHY FOR HER AS SHE IS NEAR  TO LOSING HOUSE THAT SHE WORKED SO HARD TO BUY AND HAVE STABILITY FOR HER AND HER SON.

MY THIRD DAUGHTER I CAN NOT TALK ABOUT I MISS HER TERRIBLY BUT SHE HATES ME AND BLAMES ME FOR ALL THE WRONGS IN HER LIFE i WORRY SO ABOUT HER AND MY GRANDSON.  EMPATHY HERE.

FAMILY ALL OVER THE STATE OF COLORADO, ARIZONA, NEW MEXICO, TEXAS, LOUSIANA, MISSOURI AND KANSAS , FIRES, FLOOD, HEAT  NEED I SAY THE WORD?

STEP~ DAUGHTER MARRIED ON MONDAY (FINALLY) THEY WENT TO BRANSON, MISSOURI AND DROVE OVER TO HARRIS, ARKANSAS FOR THE DEED BY A JP THAT OWNED THE FLOWER SHOP ACROSS THE STREET FROM COURT HOUSE SO THEY AT LEAST HAD THAT. BUT THEY HAD NO PICTURES TAKEN (I AM YELLING AT THIS ONE) EMPATHY PLEASE!

SHE WAS INVOLVED IN BAD ACCIDENT AND IS HAVING NECK SURGERY ON THE THIRD WHICH COULD VERY WELL LEAD TO PARALYSIS AND HER HUSBAND HAS HAD QUAD BYPASS FOR HEART AND NOW HAS 95% BLOCKAGE IN CARTOID ARTERY AND NEEDS SURGERY.

TO TOP IT ALL OFF  THE DOG GOT INTO POISON IVY  IN THE YARD AND BROUGHT IT TO ME
WENT FOR STEROID SHOT THIS MORNING AFTER TWO DAYS OF ITCHING AND IVAREST BECAUSE IT IS ON MY FACE AND MOVED UP TO THE EYES..EMPATHY PLEASE.

OK ENOUGH OF THIS NON~SELF~PITY RANT  JUST CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER FOR THE FRF PROMPT. SURE HOPE OTHERS ARE DOING WELL WITH THEIRS.  

GRRRRRR IS MY MOOD LOL
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EGOTISTICAL YES I DO KNOW THAT, I FEEL THAT IS PART OF WHO I AM SO CAN’T DENY IT
I AM GOING TO WHINE  A LITTLE BIT AND BORE YOU (MY READERS) WITH MY HEALTH ISSUES AND PERHAPS SOME THINGS THAT ARE HEAVY ON MY HEART AND MIND.

I HAD 3 MASSIVE HEART ATTACKS IN JAN, FEB. OF 2003 . UP UNTIL THAT POINT I HAD BEEN A MOVER AND A SHAKER IN WORLD OF WALMART HAD FINALLY “MADE IT” TO THE HEAD POSITION OF A 225K SQUARE FOOT STORE AND NEARLY 400 EMPLOYEES. BUT NOT TAKING CARE OF MYSELF FOR 20 PLUS YEARS, SMOKING 2 PACKS MARLBORO REDS A DAY AND NOT EATING PROPERLY JUST KNOCKED ME OUT.

I DIED ON TABLE WITH FIRST ONE (NO I DID NOT HAVE OUT OF BODY DRAT DRAT AND DOUBLE DRAT!!!!) ANYWAY QUIT SMOKING WHEN I WOKE UP FROM SURGERY AND DOCTOR AND HUBBY STANDING THERE TELLING ME I NEEDED TO. SO NICOTINE FREE FOR NINE YEARS NOW! THEN WALLY WORLD DECIDED I WAS TO BIG A LIABILITY AND BEGAN STEPPING ME DOWN  TO LEAD ASSISTANT TO ASSISTANT MANAGER ETC FINALLY JUST SAYING “WE ARE AFRAID YOUR GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK OUT ON THE FLOOR AND YOUR FAMILY WILL SUE US” SO OUT THE DOOR I WENT WITH NO PENSION  LOUSY STOCK ETC ., BUT HEY I SURVIVED. THEN I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH COPD /EMPHYSEMIA  FUN STUFF NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE BUT THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR SMOKING 40+ YEARS.  ALONG WITH THAT CAME HYPERTENSION, CHRONIC PAIN WHICH FINALLY DIAGNOSED AS FIBROMYALGIA  AND NOW DIABETES  SO I AM DETERMINED TO GET HEALTHY. I WAS TOLD THAT BY THIS TIME I WOULD BE ON OXYGEN, IN A WHEELCHAIR AND ALL THAT HANDICAPPED STUFF ENTAILS. WELL I AM HERE TO SAY “NO TO THE OXYGEN  AND THEIR DARN CHAIR!” I JUST STARTED USING A CANE THIS LAST YEAR AND I BELIEVE A LOT OF THAT COMES FROM THE STRESS OF LOSING MY DAUGHTER TO MURDER AND LOSING ANOTHER TO MENTAL ILLNESS.  ANYWAY THAT IS IT FOR MY HEALTH ISSUES, NO WAIT I FORGOT I HAVE KIDNEY ISSUES DUE TO HYPERTENSION THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED THE SILENT KILLER IT AFFECTS EVERY ORGAN OF THE BODY. I AM EXERCSING  BECAUSE I EAT ALL THE TIME AND I LOVE MY PEPSI 24 OZ BOTTLE TWICE A DAY BUT I AM NOW DOWN TO ONE A DAY AND I QUIT THE MEDS THAT PUT THIRTY FIVE POUNDS ON THE FIRST MONTH I TOOK IT. SO IF YOU SEE WHERE I HAVE BEEN HOSPITALIZED IT IS FOR THE CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE OR THE FACT THAT I LOSE POTASSIUM AND MY HEART ACTS UP OR ANY OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED.

DON’T HAVE ANY CLUE AS TO WHY I AM WRITING THIS JUST FEEL THE NEED TO GET MY WHOLE OPEN BOOK LIFE OUT THERE I GUESS, AND IF I ASK FOR IT ADVICE ON EATING , DRINKING ETC PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT. I HAD JUMPED THROUGH ALL THE HOOPS AND INSURANCE APPROVED LAP BAND SURGERY BUT I BECAME AFRAID  AND DIDN’T GO THROUGH WITH IT NOW  I HAVE SPENT THE MONEY I HAD SAVED FOR MY CO-PAY ON HAVING THE HARDWOODS REDONE. LOOK A LOT BETTER, NOW THAT THE BLACK PAINT POURED ON THEM IS GONE AND THEY ARE ALL STAINED THE SAME COLOR.

 MY BURDENS ARE MY GRIEF THAT WILL NEVER STOP, MY DAUGHTERS AND GRANDSONS. I WON’T GET INTO THEIR PERSONAL THINGS IN THIS , SUFFICE IT TO SAY THEY ARE ALL STRUGGLING IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY FOR THEM. THEY ARE MY WORLD AND I WON’T EVER GIVE UP ON THEM FOR I KNOW THEY HAVE GOOD HEARTS.

I AM HAVING A SPIRITUAL CRISIS AS MY FAITH WAS TERRIBLY SHAKEN THE DAY I WALKED INTO THAT FUNERAL HOME SEEING MY BEAUTIFUL FIRSTBORN LOOKING LIKE PULVERIZED STEAK. I LOST MY MIND FOR QUITE SOMETIME AFTER THAT TO THE POINT MY SISTERS TOLD ME I HAD TO QUIT LISTENING, WATCHING OR READING THE NEWS, FOR EVERY WOMAN THAT WAS MURDERED OR BEATEN  EVERY CHILD FOUND NEGLECTED, MOLESTED, RAPED AND SODIMIZED BECAME MY CRUSADE UNTIL I SPIRALLED TO THE DEPTHS OF DEPRESSION AND WANTED TO END MY LIFE. BUT A FRIEND SAID TO ME IF YOU DO THAT YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR DAUGHTER IN HEAVEN AND SO  I DIDN’T TAKE THAT HANDFUL OF PILLS . IJUST PUT THEM BACK IN THE BOTTLE AND  HAVE SINCE BEEN TRYING TO READ MY BIBLE MORE AND WHEN WE SOLD OUR OLD HOUSE  BEGAN LOOKING FOR ANOTHER AND I PRAYED ASKING GOD TO HELP PUT US WHERE WE NEEDED TO BE AND HE DID WE ARE SURROUNDED BY PASTORS IN FACT THE NEIGHBOR RIGHT NEXT DOOR HAS A BEAUTIFUL CHURCH AND THAT IS WHERE WE ATTEND.

PROBLEM IS I GO TO CHURCH I SIT THERE OR STAND I SING THE HYMNS, I QUOTE THE VERSES, I LISTEN AND I TAKE IT IN BUT I SOMETIMES SCOFF WHEN SOMETHING IS SAID THAT I JUST GO “YEA RIGHT”  OR “OK GOD PROVE THAT TO ME”  NOW IS THAT NOT AN AWFUL ATITUDE TO HAVE? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE SITTING IN CHURCH AND EVERYONE IS FILLED WITH THE SPIRIT AND PREACHER IS PREACHING AND DANCING IN THE SPIRIT AND I SIT LIKE A LOG. GEEEZ!  I CAN’T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO PRACTICE MY MOTTO ” FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT”

I AM ALSO VERY VERY DRIED UP IN WRITING I WANT TO BE A MORE PROFICIENT WRITER AND I WOULD LIKE TO GET AWAY FROM THE DOOM AND GLOOM OF MY EARLIER WRITES BUT AS UNEDUCATED AS I AM I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR WRITE OR SCREAM!!!

SO THERE IT IS BORED ARE WE? WELL YOU SHOULD BE FOR I HAVE BORED EVEN MYSELF…TA TA FOR NOW PERHAPS LATER IF THE URGE STRIKES, RIGHT NOW ALICE IN WONDERLAND IS CALLING . 

PEACE , LOVE AND JOY~~LEN

 HERO

May 4th, 1984 I had just picked up a second job bartending  at Jo’s Club, the shift was a 10:00am to 5:00 pm shift which meant I would be able to get my girls off to school in the mornings but not there when they got home and three nights a week I wouldn’t see them at all after getting them off to school as I had another  job, cleaning offices staring at 6:00 pm and going until 4:00am; rough but the only way I could try to make ends meet.
I had just started my second day at Jo’s when a number of men came through the door and one in particular caught my eye, actually I looked at those chocolate brown eyes and broad shoulders and my stomach flipped , my heart jumped into my throat and my breathing well lets just say I held it for a moment or two.  I quickly looked away I had not had this reaction to anyone in a long long time if ever and I had always lived by the rule to not ever date anyone from my bar jobs…I mean what did I need with someone with a drinking problem and that is what I thought of any guy that came in either that or they came in just to pick up women and I wasn’t playing that game. Besides I had just gotten a final divorce decree the month before after a four year battle in and out of court with my abusing ex-husband  and I wasn’t looking for a man to complicate my life.
Okay, that is what I kept telling myself as I served drinks, and flirted for tips with these guys, I found out they all worked with the bosses husband and came in daily. Well Mr. Broad shoulders was rather quiet but kept looking at me and eventually got around to sitting at the end of the bar and as things slowed down with some of the others leaving we began to talk and get to know one another. He asked me out to dinner and I politely explained my position  as aforementioned; he wasn’t to happy about it but said he understood.
I thought about him all that day after he left for work and was surprised that he was back the next day and he asked me out again, again  my response was no. He started tiping me quite heavily, he would lay a twenty down for a two dollar drink and he would slide the change back to me, I didn’t take it at first but he would leave and there would be  thirty to forty dollars left as a tip. I noticed I was making more at this neighborhood bar than I did in some nightclubs I had worked before. Later I found out he had told everyone what I had told him about my struggles with trying to raise three kids on what I was making, he was so easy to talk to. I generally would have kept quiet about the struggle but he had those eyes that just melted you inside and you just knew you could tell this man anything.
Eventually, he found out I had written a bad check to buy groceries and the girls school shoes at the local Wal-Mart and I was trying to catch up my electric bill as well plus rent and my old car needed an oil change and new tires and oh a dozen other difficulties a single parent has with no child support and at that time I didn’t try for General Assistance (Welfare ) or food stamps. I knew of them but was too prideful to accept them.
It had been about two months since meeting this man and he walked in and laid my bad check and a receipt for my electric bill on the bar and said please accept this as a gift not a loan. I was stunned and burst into tears, then he asked me to please go to dinner so I agreed, only the next night when I didn’t have to go to my other job. I mentioned to my boss the next morning that I was going to dinner with him that night and she THEN told me he was married, I was crushed and soooo angry!!!
Let me tell you when he came to pick me up for dinner I let him have it. He said he was filing for divorce after his daughter got married that July, my reply to that was “Yea and I bet your wife doesn’t understand you either!” Needless to say we did not go out but he continued to come in and talk with me everyday. In October he came in just before I got off work, ordered a drink and when I set it in front of him he said he had something to show me, he pulled out of his back pocket a final divorce decree granted that very day!!

My hero and I went to dinner that night and spent every day since together and we married September 21, 1987, to this day he is my hero , not only my hero but my best friend, my lover, confidante, protector and provider. I miss him when the Alzheimer’s takes a bit of him each day now, but he will continue to be my hero until the day God takes one of us.

MY DAUGHTER DUSTI JEAN IS BEAUTIFUL (OF COURSE I THINK THIS )
SHE HAS A HEART THAT IS SOFT AND TENDER
NARY A BAD WORD ABOUT HER FRIENDS AND MOST FAMILY
SHE HAS CHILDHOOD FRIENDS OF EVERY GENDER
NONE ARE JEALOUS OF THE OTHER FOR THEY ALL
KNOW MY DUSTI JEAN AS AN EARTH MOTHER
SHE KNOWS HER HERBS AND POTIONS TOO
TRAINED IN MEDS AND NATURAL BREWS
SHE IS THE FIRST WITH THE CHICKEN SOUP
KLEENEX AND POULTICE THAT WILL THROW
YOU INTO A GET WELL LOOP
SHE SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME TAKING CARE OF OTHERS
FORGETS CARING FOR HERSELF  BUT NEVER FORGETS
HER SON AND ALL HIS WANT TO DO DRUTHERS

I AM SO PROUD TO CALL HER MY DAUGHTER
SHE MAY MAKE ME MAD AND I WILL HOLLER
BUT IN THE END SHE IS MY DAUGHTER
AND SHE HAS ACCOMPLISHED MUCH
I HAVE ADMIRED HER FOR MANY YEARS FOR SHE
HAS TAUGHT HER MOMMA MUCH
MOST OF ALL SHE HAS A HEART YOU CAN TOUCH
SHE HAS TAUGHT ME PATIENCE AND ACCEPTANCE
OF THOSE THAT LOOK DIFFERENT

SHE HAS TAUGHT ME NOT TO BE SO JUDGEMENTAL

TO LOOK BEYOND THE OUTER APPEARANCE AND SEE THE HEART
SHE HAS BROUGHT JOY TO MY LIFE
ENDURED MORE SORROWS THAN SHE SHOULD

AT HER YOUNG AGE.  WHICH I WOULD TAKE AWAY IF I COULD
FOR SHE BRINGS SUCH JOY WALKING INTO A ROOM
NOW IF I COULD FIND HER A MAN TO JUMP THE BROOM!
I LOVE YOU DAUGHTER…BE SAFEImage

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 SCRABBLE …. THE ATTEMPT TO BEAT THE SOCKS OFF  THE BIG SISTER IN A WORD GAME! HA HA

HISTORY:

I am blessed twice over with two half sisters, we shared the same mother but different fathers, I was born and raised in Colorado, they in Missouri. Our lives  were never the growing up together kind  but we managed
through  a card, letter or phone call over the years to ‘check in’ .   About seven years ago our mother passed and that is when we three found each other , it was the first time in twenty plus years we three FINALLY  had the chance to be together and really get to know one another. 

We were leery of one another, not sure what to expect if anything but God’s hand was in that reunion and he guided our hearts to be open, honest and yes showed us the need we had for one another. He also reminded us of many  things we missed  but how as one we grew very much alike. Now there is a bond as strong as steel, a love that reaches to infinity and beyond (is that possible? my heart feels that way). 

We tend to dress somewhat  alike, speak and have the same sense of humor and although we never had the opportunity growing up to play tea party or plan our weddings together we all ended up married to similiar men and we all married in the month of September. 

Now , we found an unusual commonality in our passion for a board game that has been around probably longer than I have (that’s pretty long, I feel like I have been here since God created dirt) this is not Monopoly, Life or Clue oh no this is

SCRABBLE!!  That game of 98 + 2 blank tiles and a wooden board with colored squares. For the two younger think they can beat the elder, ha! we have been known to play to wee hours of morn and then only because either husbands are looking for wives that should be in bed, too many snacks have caused stomach aches, or someones head crashed the tiles falling asleep across the board.

We each have old sets we have found at rummage sales, auctions, antique shops or new doesn’t matter, ( I personally like the older tiles, seems to give me an opening into the ones who have touched the tiles in the past and their playing strategies), we are not beyond trying to stretch a definition or challenge for the sake of the challenge. We laugh, we make messes, we eat , drink and we talk Lord knows we talk about any and everything, we bond my two baby sisters and I,   over a bag full of wood, plastic or ivory tiles placed in colored squares on a wooden board. Keeping our competitive edge as we women tend to do, but there is an honesty, an openness, a love that has grown between the three of us that is a joy that fills our souls and completes us.

We may have lost years together as children but we have gained so much more as women, we value and respect one another as women, siblings, mothers, aunts and all the many hats we wear in our seperate lives but most of all we love one another and that is all that matters, not a board game ; who we married or when, our children, grandchildren and others although they all benefit from this new family unit what matters most is we found and care deeply (as sisters should) for  one another and we are building what is left of our time here on earth as God meant us too.

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I have always loved live theater  and when opportunity  (finances) permit I attend. One play that I would see
over and over is Phantom. I will never forget in 2002 when I wanted to do something for an assistant manager at the store that was a good friend as well, so I purchased two tickets center, floor 3 rows above the pit and close enough to see the glow of perspiration on the faces of the actors. Diane had never been and I was as excited about introducing a new person to live theater as I was about seeing Phantom, as I had been waiting for quite some time
for it to arrive in the area.

Needless to say I was not disappointed in either respect. Diane was hooked from the first scene and I of course had seen Lon Chaney on television playing the Phantom and knew it had to be so much better live and I was correct. I will say being that close to the pit made the orchestra even more an essential  part of the play, then when the chandelier fell on the stage to be that close  well it made my heart skip a beat and then jump. oh I can not convey the joy the beauty…the voices of Christine and the Phantom, Christine’s love interest Raul  their voices were magnificent . I would advise that if ever the opportunity arises ..go it is a wonderful play to see live. Although the movie that came out a few years back wasn’t bad just lacked that live presence.

I try really hard to keep my inner most thoughts a secret (I am sure you all think oh no she doesn’t!) but I truthfully do. The things I and my siblings have lived through would curl your hair, and are not pleasant nor are they nice to think about, but to know that our family is dysfunctional all one must do is open Mr. Webster’s dictionary under dysfunctional and there is our family portrait.

I wanted to get it off my chest so to speak and my mind that I have family that no matter how hard I try I cannot bring together and it breaks my heart. I am the oldest child of mothers and the oldest of my father’s therefore, now that they are both gone feel responsible for holding us as a family unit… Mother asked me on her death bed to keep everyone in contact and Lord knows I have tried to bring it all together but it is a mountain too steep for this old woman to climb.

HISTORY:

I have a brother Keith two years younger, John is four years younger, then Judy 11 years, brother KC thirteen years and then the babe Debbie at fourteen years.  There were children in between that didn’t make it out of infancy for a total of nine I believe.
As sisters we have come together in these latter years to become a familial unit but our brothers are the tough ones, each one is like a hermit. Keith is a disabled vet and lives in a small town approximately 4 blocks by 4 blocks in an older farm home he is restoring and with his two cats. John no one knew where he was and still doesn’t but after two years has decided to reach out and let me know he is alive. He is/was an over the road trucker and has been for 30 plus years. Then KC is also disabled from the Navy and he also lives alone in a small town with his cat.

What I cannot understand is how after all we went through as children with Keith, John and I in one state and the others in another that we cannot nor did we ever learn about family and how to keep close ties. What makes the men of this family just have no regard for family? I have had to bribe my brothers with gas money to come see us at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Now what kind of person does that make me? I get so angry with myself when I think I will have a big cookout and invite everyone and then they all have excuses and I know it just as I know I wrote out an invitation, made a phone call and sent the invite through snail mail and email that they will have some depressing see through excuse.

It hurts me that they always find one excuse or the other and they don’t consider I am trying to have a family event where we can all just get along and enjoy the fact that we are family making memories.
It is truly a sad situation and I pray about it all the time. I would love to have all my family in church and saved but I know the dysfunctional outweighs the rationality in my broken family!

Please pray for these fine men and for my lost daughter and grandson they are still missing.

*****

IN  2003 I lost my position in upper management with the biggest retailer in the USA. I worked 60-70 hours a week, dragging dead tired all the time every stinkin day. Then I had three heart attacks within a matter of a few weeks , after spending those few weeks in hospital I went home to recuperate and prepare myself for going back to work, which I did to find that I was being pushed out the door due to my health issues.
Suddenly I find all this time on my hands, I spent  months being depressed not only was I having to face and deal with my own immortality but I seemed to have lost my identity as well, I mean I was no longer the boss of 325 associates full time  and 100-125 part-time. I didn’t have to prepare budgets, cut payroll, go to meetings etc etc. Who was I and what w s I going to do with my life? I was a lost soul that is for sure.
I began to clean my house from top to bottom and in doing so noticed all the little repairs that needed done…recaulking tile in bath, carpet needed replaced, leaky faucets and such.
By the time I was finished  cleaning we had spent close to $70,000. in remodeling, updating the old house, from there it was working on getting it sold which it did rather quickly and for a decent price, didn’t know we were going to sell but seemed a good idea. Then I had to prepare for an auction we had a large home and twenty-two years of accumulation that kept me busy.
We found a home to purchase and have been working on bringing it up to date and making repairs it needs , in actuality I don’t know if I have had any real downtime or killing time in over forty years.
****

MOTHER, BROTHERS, JOHN, KEITH AND ME

1955 Riverside, California Greyhound Bus Terminal transfer to Trailways
to Pueblo, Colorado, where my brother Keith and myself had been born.

Arriving at the bus terminal, waiting for luggage, Mother having had it with three whining, crying, tired children one still in diapers, I am sure was ready to just get rid of us for a while. Grandfather picked us up and took us to 2825 Cheyenne Ave. A HUGE home to me I had never seen a home that big before walking through the entry door there was an  entry as big as most bedrooms now built as masters, a staircase with the shiniest wood and it just kept going up and up, to the left double doors to the parlor where a fireplace  and bookshelves on each side,  another huge room with a continuation throughout of these  enormous rooms in what my four year old mind could only comprehend as large and somewhat scary.
The Grams scooped us up and loved on us washing faces and hands changing Johns diaper, giving us something to eat and drink with her always touching my hair or shoulder when she passed by or stopping to give me a hug and my brothers as well. In the meantime Mother and Gramps were in the parlor talking with quiet mumbles and then raised voices then mumbles then tears and harsh tones from Gramps towards Mother. Eventually my brothers had gone to sleep in Grams bed  she had in her sewing room and I sat quietly in the kitchen chair waiting for someone to come back in and tell me what was going on or what I was supposed to do.
Mother did come in and knelt beside my chair I quickly stood up and she reached out to hold my arm, I didn’t want to hear what she was going to say I just knew somehow I did not want to hear.
“Lenora, I want you to stay here and watch your brothers, I am going to get you some winter clothes and coats I will be back in a couple of hours.” she picked up her purse and put on her coat.  Seven years later when she returned it was to remove us from the only home we knew to Kansas where she had a new family. I know the sense of abandonment by Mother in 1955 was a loss that has affected me my entire life and the loss of the only home I had ever known as a child being torn from it and the only person that ever really loved me unconditionally (Grams) was another loss during that time. My heart still aches for that little girl and her two brothers for they all three have suffered and made poor decisions throughout all because of what took place fifty-seven years ago.

****

IN~LAWS

UNFORTUNATELY, I know longer have Mil and my Fil passed before my hubs was grown. But MARY MILDRED SHORT raised one of the most generous, loving, respectful men I have ever had the privileged of meeting and feel very honored to be married to. This man she raised with such morals, values and work ethic, is a tough task master but has the heart of a gentle bear and a hug just as firm and secure. I randomly sent her while she was still alive  a card or flowers or some small token of appreciation telling her how much I appreciated her and the way she raised my hubs and his sister , she has the same qualities. I miss Mary so much she was very accepting of me as her sons second wife all she wanted to know was he happy and  when he said yes she said then don’t let her get away. She treated me with love and respect in the few years we had together.
I have a step daughter that I love beyond reason, she married a fine fine man this year with very many of her fathers same qualities and I sincerely hope he knows how much I love and respect him for he cares for my daughter deeply and would do anything to keep her safe and secure. I am blessed.

HOLIDAY BAHHUMBUG
SETTING AT MY DESK, pulling out a few Christmas Cards to address and send to sisters and brothers, I am so not in the mood to write perky, happy, merry anything.
I know this is our second Christmas without Klysta and several without Andrea and perhaps that is why the feeling of emptiness. The grandchildren are older and not as thrilled with the holiday it seems, we all seem to be drifting along on our own in our own little worlds and not coming together as we should. And I have this morbid thing going constantly that is driving me even more insane.
I miss the big family get together when all were younger and more enamored of the season.
I have decorated the tree, brought up the Christmas dishes, set up the nativities and the villages and I still can’t get in the mood, it is early yet and maybe just maybe if we would ever get out of these 60-70 degree temperatures it would feel more like the season.
I have time yet 25 days and some hours so maybe I will put on some Bing Crosby White Christmas or something and try to get in the spirit.
why am I never content? 

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G-SON @ CHRISTMAS PROGRAM

Attended g-son’s Christmas Program last night just so proud of him and his ability, he takes his music quite seriously and pride in his accomplishments with each instrument he plays (piano, drums, guitar and violin). I did think he was going to slide his bow right across the face pf the little girl next to him though LOL.
I am immensely proud of this ten year old and the way his mother is raising him with every opportunity she can afford not just in music but sports, defense training, scouts, art etc. She does without for herself to provide for him and as it should be just wish she would let us help a bit more, we don’t have much but we are willing; guess all we can do is continue to support them with love, and be proud of both.

There are few words to describe
how you have touched my heart

Nor will you ever understand how

You made me change who I am

I tried to tell you how special you are

How smart and handsome too.

I don’t think you can comprehend
how you healed my broken heart

made dreams come true, became my friend

You opened my heart to wonders forgotten
with love before unknown

You are so special to me Eric

And I hope you know without you

I don’t know what I would do

Having you in my life is such a blessing

that fills my heart with joy true.
I love you my wonderful grandson
ERIC JASON
Colors of my world are full of joy and sunshine
Just the thought of you makes me grin
You color my world bright like a box of 64
walking into a room with your bright smile
and flashing blue eyes …it makes my world right
You color my world with how smart you are
How wise and thoughtful too
Just like your Grammie, Grammie just like you.
We are supposed to love, says the Lords word
We don’t always like but we are to love
You color my world  with joy and love
When you say I love you Gram and give a big hug
You color my world like a giant rainbow
Because I love you and you love me too!

ABSOLUTE TERROR~ OCT. 2013
Very impressed with g-sons school and neighborhood response..g-son did not arrive home from school at regular time so Pap went looking for him to no avail. Went to school asked if he was there “no he was seen walking away from school” Next thing I know half the neighborhood is out looking for the kid with red tennis shoes they see go by everyday and the principle and teachers are driving neighborhood. Called daughter she has no idea and says she will call fiancee. Guess who picked him up? thats right the fiancee but I’m not supposed to be upset scared or shouting when I asked fiancee why didn’t he call me and next time he scared me that bad i’d sock him I am told it’s none of my business what he does and he is a grown man that is his son and he can do what he wants and he’s safe and a few other words. I told him he is a selfish coward and a few other choice things and I don’t care right or wrong I am tired of him showing no respect to me, my daughter or my g-son. Do you think I was right in doing/saying what I did. I mean I am an emotional person and was terrified with all the perverts out there.

Image

Hard to look at this old photo and think how happy we all were to be in our Easter finery,
On our way to church as a family. Now the oldest is gone to heaven, the youngest in her own
private hell,  middle one doing so well and I used to be that young and skinny.
this photo  in Kansas city, Ks when we lived on Ella Avenue, Easter Sunday 1981
Left to right, back to front:
Klysta LaNell
Me
Dusti Jean
Andrea Marie

I could write a novel about lessons I have learned but the way I learned, well it is just to tear-jerky, sad etc, so I will just list a few here …

I learned as a child you cannot trust adults especially the ones raising you.
That their kind of love is wrong from an adult to a child.
I learned that mommy’s that say they will be back in two hours can’t tell time unless 2 hours equals seven years
I learned that many ‘daddy’s’ don’t make anyone happy, least of all mommy and siblings.
I learned that falling in lust is different than falling in love.
I learned that falling in real love doesn’t last, God takes them home anyway, even if you need them more.
I learned that husbands that beat you up and say “I’m sorry”, are lying.
I learned that no matter how much you love your children they don’t or can’t always love you back.
I learned that mental illness is a horrible family destroying disease.
I learned that no matter how much you want another to make you happy, it won’t happen until you learn to be happy with you, to enjoy your own quiet and be content, before others can share in that happiness.
I learned that grand children are the second most precious thing in the world and heart and when they aren’t around it hurts.
I learned that blessings come from the most unexpected places and people, and I am so grateful.
I learned that as a single mom, my children needed me more than the money.
I learned that next to God My Lord and Savior I need nothing but my wonderful husband and my family.
I learned that even when I thought I was alone I was not, God was always there to hold my hand, to carry me, to soothe me, to give me pure love and a peaceful heart.
I learned it is never to late to be saved, to be reborn, to walk the narrow path with Christ.
I learned that life can kick you in the stomach and double you over when you lose a child, to death.
I learned that no one can tell you it was for the best, you have other children,  or get over it, it’s done, with out me as a Christian still wanting to kick them ..HARD!!
I have learned that I have no filter between brain and mouth… I will always tell you what I think.
I have learned that if you let me ramble I will, so tell me that’s enough I will listen, I know, I know time to stop.

Not sure what today is supposed to be for me, on  one level wishing  all to be happy and wish that ‘happiness for myself, will I attain it this year, do I want to?   The darkness  of depression, grief and fatigue  I wish for it to be over and replaced with the happiness of ‘before’. On another level  it is a new day, a new year even a new moon but am I new, not by a long shot  I am the same today as I was yesterday; oh a few hours older but still have health issues that affect  quality of life and they will not get better only continue down the slippery slope of life, yet I feel optimistic.

I will continue to try and better myself this year as I do everyday of every year, seems the older I get the kinder and more loving I want to be to everyone I know and meet and wiser I really want to be that wise old woman everyone looks up to…LOL. Although caring for others trying to show my love for them and being interested in them usually gets  an arrow through the heart and when hurt  lash out to hurt back, this is a flaw I continually work on. For others in this year I would ask only that when you say you know me, please do your best to understand me as well as know me. I am learning for the first time in a long time that I am not as bad as I have thought, my worth is just that ~~ worth.  I am human I  will make mistakes (those imperfect imperfections), just know that I intend to continue loving and caring that is the best that I or anyone can do.
I am imperfectly imperfect, I am a “hot mess” as it is called today, and I will not change to what others expect me to be, my issues are part of me, the way God made me, I just want to be liked and loved like everyone else in this world. I am NOT naive enough to think all will like or love me but I don’t dwell on whether I am liked or loved by all, I accept that and I am okay with it.
More of life and loss  is coming my way,  there will be challenges;  that  slippery slope will toss me head over heart and heart over head numerous times. Each trip or fall I will learn from  everyday, whether I can weather the storm or not is the question. Every challenge gives us a choice , making the right choice is our hope but we don’t always,  using heart and emotion when making a choice is my way, who’s to really say it is right or wrong?

Not sure when the last time I became so reflective on New Years Day, maybe it is that I am becoming wiser or just older, perhaps the losses in and of my life are finally being dealt with, not sure just know I want to be a better me for me. I can put all the love inside me out there for all of you with my words I can only hope they are sufficient and that each of you experience the days of this new year with the full blessings God has intended for you. Love to all~Len

A SIMPLE WOMAN
I am but a simple woman
some call me crazy or mom or gram
Never wanted much, but to have
a man, good children and
Sunday dinners with all around.
Everyone pitching in with cooking
and cleaning so I could sit and rock
new and older babes.
Drying a tear away on the corner
of my apron as they all drive away.
Dad and I walking back up the steps,
holding hands and saying how good it
was to have them here, how proud we are.
Instead I sit alone with my husband
of nearly thirty years gone to bed at 7:30
 who some days
doesn’t know who I am or how to get 
from point a to point b alone. A man so
angry and frustrated and plain old
tired with a mind losing more each day
a body breaking down more and more
a man that has always stood tall, broad
shouldered with a twinkle in his eye
a smile on his face and a love so pure 
for me that it took my breath away.
A man gone from all but in my mind and 
in my heart. God I need a miracle I cannot
lie I am so afraid. Not of being alone just
being lost without him. A simple woman sitting
 here with her Saturday Blues,
remembering other Saturday nights with him.
Just the two of us alone and trying so hard to hold on.
With those few small precious moments when he
reaches across the chair and takes my hand and
says “I love you” then I know for a brief time
he remembers and feels and that twinkle is
back in his eyes the smile that lights up his face
and he is my hero again, my rock , my world
my best friend.

 

SEASONS CHANGE
Jack Frost is peeking round the corner,
each night is getting colder and the
mums are browning in their pots
leaves are turning from green to
gold, brown, red and yellow
lying on the ground, decomposing
making the earth below the limbs
rich with composting, for future gardens
days are getting shorter, darkness erupts
making me ask “where did
the day go?”
Still have green tomatoes
on the vine, can’t let
ol’ jack get them so
picking them today.
love the smell of the
wood fireplaces in the
neighborhood, makes me
yearn for my old home
The crisp air makes me long
for the holidays, but sure
don’t want the rush or work.
Hope y’all are enjoying the
change of weather and the season.

 

A Piece of Your Mind Please

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