She couldn’t sleep
Went days where her mind wouldn’t stop
and the ringing in her ears, the smells that
others claimed they could not smell.
People talking but she didn’t understand.
One morning she didn’t get out of bed
she hadn’t slept, she knew she should get up
but couldn’t think of a reason.
Then she began to cry “I’m so tired” and she
cried and cried until the tissues were
all gone. She gathered them up, placed them in the
empty tissue box, then mentally shook herself.
Maybe a warm shower she thought.
Letting the hot water wash over her she shampooed
her hair shaved her legs and pits. Clean pajamas,
a new box of tissues, she walked to the kitchen for
a glass of fresh ice water, forgetting the tissues.
Climbing back into bed she reached into the bedside
table drawer and brought out the bottle of pills.
They were old but not expired she shook out
two pills and with a deep breath she placed them
in her mouth and washed them down with the fresh water.
She knew her brain was in stress overload and she had to be careful
to not let her thoughts get the better of her again.
She turned on her side with her arm under her pillow and pulled
the sheet over her body leaving one foot out for air.
Two hours later she still hadn’t slept. She laid there mind spinning
thinking of all the love she had given all the hurt she had caused
how she stress ate and was now so fat, how she had no life, lived
only for those infrequent visits from family.
She had no physical friends only those on Facebook she had never met
in person. What did it matter, especially when friends only betray?
The longer she lie there the sorrier she felt for herself, she opened the
drawer again and picked up the bottle. Removing the lid she poured all
the pills on the sheet and began to count them by two. Twenty-one little
round white tablets. She scooped them up laid them on the table and
began to scrape the label from the bottle. She got up and slowly walked
to the kitchen trash placed the bottle without its label in the bin then took it
out. She opened the door going to the garage placing the shredded label into the
bottle pushing the opener for the overhead door she walked to the big can and hid the bottle in one of the bags inside.
Coming back into the house she washed her hands, dried them and went back to the
bedroom. Sitting on the side of the bed she looked at the twenty-one pills and
thought I wish there were only twenty, she liked even numbered things.
Pushing herself off the bed she picked up one pill walked to the toilet and flushed it.
Walked back and sat on the side of the bed thinking, mind spinning unable to control the one thought.
She picked up two of the pills and washed them down then repeated it nine more times.
Lying back on the bed she wondered how long it would take before she would finally
fall asleep. She began to cry and reached for a tissue she had forgotten the new box
she needed to get up and go get it but she was so tired so very very tired.
She dried her tears on the sheet wiped her nose on the sleeve of her pajamas
turned on her side pulling the sheet over her, leaving one foot out for air, tucking her arm under her pillow and after a bit, finally slept…the final sleep.