I have been away from the blog for a while I know, I apologize and would like to explain.
I am and have been depressed and detached from life. So much has happened with my daughters and grandchildren, my husband and my health, yet none of it seems very important to me.
I have been introspective and searching for answers as to where and why I have gone so wrong in all aspects of my life, to no avail. I see why but not how I did not see the consequences.
There in lies my guilt and the guilt has had me thinking more and more about suicide, to the point of writing out my reasons for doing so and who gets what, and goodbyes. I have even determined how to do it. Guess I am not going to or I would have already done so since I have had all that done for more than a few months now.
I am sure I need to see someone to talk all this out but don’t know if I am strong enough to “bare it all” to a stranger.
Today I am thinking of being alone and lonely when once I cherished my alone but not lonely time, now I am contemplating when my husband passes and the loneliness that will bring. Dark thoughts yet I am maintaining that is all I can say for now, just thinking if I start writing again maybe it will help…if I am strong enough for that too.
God help me.