Does It Ever Stop?


Does it…ever? Is it because the holidays are approaching and Thanksgiving was the last holiday we had together? Probably but I feel shredded inside,  my  blood is slogging through my veins sustaining life that I don’t want. My eyes are continuously red and swollen. Pity party of one?  Yes God yes, I am wallowing in the self-pity of losing my child, and why not it isn’t like in the four years shes been gone I have had anyone to talk to about her. My “family” doesn’t understand the pain and my lashing out so they fight with me and disown me. If my husband could remember I am sure he would say the usual “it will be ok” Gah how I resent him for not going to her memorial service with me! I did everything packed, booked tickets , made the arrangements for his mother and other family members, what…

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4 years 9 months and 15 hours ago my oldest daughter passed away by another’s hand, every day in all this time I have cried and grieved as I miss her so much. That day changed me forever more than anyone can or will ever understand, others grieve for her, but no one can understand the grief a mother feels.

Back for a Moment

I have been away from the blog for a while I know, I apologize and would like to explain.
I am and have been depressed and detached from life. So much has happened with my daughters and grandchildren, my husband and my health, yet none of it seems very important to me.
I have been introspective and searching for answers as to where and why I have gone so wrong in all aspects of my life, to no avail. I see why but not how I did not see the consequences.

There in lies my guilt and the guilt has had me thinking more and more about suicide, to the point of writing out my reasons for doing so and who gets what, and goodbyes. I have even determined how to do it. Guess I am not going to or I would have already done so since I have had  all that done for more than a few months now.
I am sure I need to see someone to talk all this out but don’t know if I am strong enough to “bare it all” to a stranger.
Today I am thinking of being alone and lonely when once I cherished my alone but not lonely time, now I am contemplating when my husband passes and the loneliness that will bring. Dark thoughts yet I am maintaining that is all I can say for now, just thinking if I start writing again maybe it will help…if I am strong enough for that too.
God help me.