A Passing , A Burden, A Blessing


The last 3 and a half days have been particularly harrowing for my emotions. I have had blessings and burdens of such intensity that I don’t know if I am up or down. Saturday night my daughter called and asked me to come to the emergency room as her Dad was seriously ill and needed emergency surgery. As the medical team gathered and a cardio-thorasic specialist was brought in, I was told he had an aortic tear and blood had filled the perineal sac that holds the heart.
I did not know how to feel anything but worry for my family and wondered at the emotions I was feeling towards this man that I once loved and had given me beautiful daughters, yet was the one to cause such misery in my life. As a mom I had to stay strong for the ones that needed me, I was told my youngest daughter was on her way ( I had not had but one brief encounter with her in four years, so was worried how this was going to go down).
She was able to arrive just as they were ready to take him to surgery, love and forgiveness was expressed between them it was such a moving moment I had to leave the room to cry. I am so grateful to have witnessed that exchange because it was so desperately needed.

My own blessing came as we waited in the  empty waiting room, all the important loves of my life with the exception of my own husband there to love and support each other.My youngest and I were able to talk freely and without animosity of any kind, to bridge the differences and realize throughout the all night surgery that love and family is the most important and only emotion to have.
Through these past days I have been able to spend more time with my grandson and get to know him and my daughter and what they have been through. I am so very proud of the strength and maturity I see in her and my middle daughter they both have shown such a bond and having each other, when one was ready to fall the other propped  and vice versa, I am just amazed that these two young woman are products of me. I don’t know maybe I am giving myself too much credit because my ex and society as a whole had much more to do with who they are than I ever did in actual truth.

I watched as they met with doctors, spent every minute with their father and was there when they were told there was no chance of recovery with the heart, that he had suffered a massive stroke and was a vegetable. I felt as if I was watching a television program it was that surreal, to know this vibrant man was really no longer there, and a decision to be made to leave him as is or to disconnect life support was needed. To watch the two sisters come together get on the same page on what to do, was amazing and made me as there mother very proud of the strength and comfort.
Today on their own they met with Pallative Care and proceeded to let their father go, he passed at 11:13 am it did not take long and for this I am grateful as I would have hated for them to have to watch him linger.
I am sitting here at home, waiting for them to come here  as I know they need to do, so that I can feed and comfort them, give them a minute of respite before taking the next step in this life changing journey.
My heart hurts for them and the pain they are in, I can only offer my own heart full of love and care on this part of the journey as no one else can do it for them as much as I would like to do just that.
May he rest in peace,
Andrew ‘AJ’ Dusek
Dec.21, 1949 ~ Jan. 14, 2015

About lenwilliamscarver

A simple woman of simple means, walking a gravel road on my journey, made stronger by paths taken barefoot, pain endured, and revealed in these writings. Mistakes made some taught a lesson some lessons ignored, now learning to forgive myself.
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