I AM IN NEED


I made the mistake a while back of telling someone that a study done on Alzheimer’s stated that having television on helped to keep the mind active and calm. Oh my what did I unleash?
My home in the last thirty years has always had that irritating machine on, when he was home. There were times when he worked I had peaceful, serene, calming silence or at most my favorite tunes. When I had to retire due to health I had one whole year without the sound of ringing phones and checkout pinging, associates nattering in my ears constantly, oh what bliss that first year even if I was depressed and facing my mortality, until that point, I believed myself to be invincible.
After that year, the hubs retired and other than my stays in hospital (which he arrived at eight in the morning and left twelve hours later ) we have not been apart, we are together 24/7/365 !  Please don’t get me wrong I love him more than any man I have ever been with but there comes a time…..
I digress, I am craving silence, time alone to just enjoy time to myself, to listen to the silence, to hear myself think, cry, sing, write or even to clean my kitchen or my closet.
I am not able to do a lot physically but if I go to the bedroom for more than ten minutes he comes looking for me.
He gets angry with me over the slightest amount of  time I am not right next to him, in my chair or in bed…a for instance Thursday night the grandson spent the night, we have always stayed up after Grandpa goes to bed at 7:00 p.m. we watch a movie, we talk, tell silly stories or jokes, we bond.
Hubs gets up at 9:30 p.m. comes in demanding I need my rest and we should be in bed ,when I told him the time he got upset that I had stayed up without him.
He constantly yells at the dog for eating too much/ not enough, not hearing him or wanting attention, she is sixteen this year and hard of hearing and moving slow…kind of like us, but she is defenseless so I have to talk to him and tell him he need not yell at her. We have a three-year old dog that he babies…I don’t understand this.
I know I am not supposed to talk bad about my hubs but if I don’t vent I am going to be screaming and y’all will be able to hear me…similar to the “shot heard around the world”.
Look I know it is age and the disease and I try so hard to understand that and be tolerant, it is just getting harder. I would love to drive myself to the grocer and shop, it tires and puts me in pain for two or three days after but oh just to get out, unfortunately when I do get out for an hour I receive three to four calls from him asking where am I and when will I be home? I know he worries and I worry about him. I just don’t know how to handle it or what I am supposed to do and needed a place to vent. So thanks for listening.

About lenwilliamscarver

A simple woman of simple means, walking a gravel road on my journey, made stronger by paths taken barefoot, pain endured, and revealed in these writings. Mistakes made some taught a lesson some lessons ignored, now learning to forgive myself.
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