Tag Archives: loss

I’VE LEARNED TO LIVE…


I’ve learned I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be
I’ve learned I am weaker than I ever imagined I could be
I’ve learned to live each day since the loss of you

I’ve learned that when my world is spinning out of control
To lean into the curves so as not to fall to the ground
I’ve learned to live each day since the loss of you

 

I’ve learned that even when there is so much pain
I have to hold it all together I cannot go insane
I’ve learned to live each day since the loss of you

I’ve learned through all the tears I have cried
That crying does not ease the pain tho I have tried
I’ve learned to live each day since the loss of you

I’ve learned that framed pictures are not the same
Memories are allright, rather hear you call my name
I’ve learned to live each day since the loss of you

I’ve learned that no one understands my grief
Except another mother with a cemetery wreath
I’ve learned to live each day since the loss of you

I’ve learned a life can be taken with the blink of an eye
And only God knows the when, where and why
We didn’t get to say I love you and good-bye

I’ve learned to live each day since the loss of you

Dedicated to Shirley Sanservino and Brenda Lewis

 

Days 14-& 15 MWC


Days are all alike, life as I knew it has gone
Sleep I must, but it eludes, day or not
Hearing the hour strike again and again
Sleep has left me and I don’t know what to do
Do this chore or that, leave it before tis done
Little use to try as I can see, just sleep I need
Sleep has gone and left me.

@copyright LWC/myownheart.me

Look at me and what do you see?
Do you see what I show you?
The one with a great big smile
Hiding inside is my despair

I will comfort and give hugs and love

While shedding my tears of grief, sadness inside
I laugh at all the right places, seeing smiles on your faces

Yet my untamed anger is screaming inside wanting out

You think I have it all, and I do by many standards

Inside thrives my shame, guilt and insecurities

I play the game of ‘Fake it till you Make it’

Inside is all my worry and fear

It looks like from what I present to have a great life

I am full of pain and see no reason to go on, want to die

I present a pretty picture, all dressed up

Inside is regret, mistakes and confusion

The one with a great big smile

So I give to you this gift, my disguise

What hides underneath you can’t even comprehend.

 

@copyright 2013 LWC/myownheart.me

 

 

FIVE YEARS AGO


Image

Five years ago tomorrow Mother passed from Lung Cancer due to smoking and Dementia.

My baby brother and baby sister took care of Momma in the end until my sis just couldn’t for many

reasons but her daughter, my niece stepped in, for that I respect them mightily for it is a very very hard

job being a caretaker of anyone but for someone you love that takes fortitude.

I wonder if she knew how I was personally affected by the way she looked that last day?  She was lying in her bed and was somewhat clear headed and wanted to get up and be with everyone in the living room. My brother picked her up to place her in the wheel chair that is when I really got a look at her wasted body she could not have weighed eighty pounds. Her face I had already realized how pointed her chin and high the cheekbones, her eyes were clear for brief moments.

Momma still gave us all a laugh, sitting at the table she kept flipping her cigarette and bringing it to her mouth, mind you she had not smoked in over a year, and she then ate her pudding which wasn’t there either. It was at that time that the children and grandchildren that could be there gathered around to have a picture taken with her, I am so very glad we did; it is the closest to a family portrait we ever had. There is her cord to heaven from the top of her head to the ceiling in that photo which reassured me of where she was going to. I had asked her earlier if she felt ready to meet Jesus and she pointed to her bible on the table next to her bed and said of course, at that time she asked me to make sure we stayed together as a family an impossibility but I did try for a while until I realized once again the futility of that effort.

Momma passed early the following morning, all of us stood in a processional type line as the funeral home picked her up and rolled her out the door, I personally have never felt so alone in my life, so lost
so empty. The knowing that I would never see this woman that gave me life again that I couldn’t pick up the phone to tell her some minor thing. I miss her every day, I have needed her desperately since my daughter passed, I don’t know if she would have held me up or I her as they were so close, my daughter took it very hard when her grandmother passed. I believe had momma still been here I might be visiting her in prison for she would have taken justice her on earth; but I am and will be eternally grateful that she was there to meet my daughter when she went home to Our Lord.

RIP
Our Beloved Mother and Grandmother
MARY PHYLLIS DOLEZAL HARRISON

MARCH 2ND,  1934~ SEPTEMBER 5TH, 2007

HOW NOT TO INSULT A GRIEVING PARENT


through this journey of losing my daughter and the grief we go through daily minute by minute, many times
we have had others say “oh I know I lost my Mother ,Father, sister, brother etc.”
that is a tragic loss and the pain is great the grieving hard no denying it.
But I can not see in my heart ache how that type of loss (and I have suffered each
of these four times ,can possibly compare to the heart ache, heart wrenching the
hole it leaves in your heart and soul and mind that losing a child you have given life to
can even be remotely comparable.
I do not wish to offend or insult anyone and their grieving but  as they  say “until you
have (God Forbid) walked in these moccasins don’t presume to know”

The agony, the heart-break is recurring, each time there is a moment of silence, a song
a phrase, a child in the grocery calling out for “momma” to give that mule kick to the stomach
heart stopping, losing your breath feeling of the first knowledge of the loss.
Please understand our grief is real and especially if you’re the mother as you have carried that
little body for nine wonderful months giving life force with every breath every bite or drink of
nourishment. You were the first to offer nourishment  upon that child’s birth, you nurture, and
cherish each breath that child has takes; you hurt when they hurt you laugh when they laugh. Just
please please don’t compare and if you haven’t lost a child  I pray you never do. God Bless.