Marie parked her car at the curb and shut the engine off. She sat and stared at the old two-story brick house, remembering how it looked when
the brick was that deep rich Burgundy red, how the big front porch covered, painted white was nice to sit under when it rained.
Looking at the big Mulberry tree where she once played with her toys and had dress-up tea parties, the row of boxwoods that was the dividing line between the properties,
so many years have gone by, the bricks now painted white; the porch cover gone and a little overhang above the door painted a garish neon blue. The old cottonwood that stood at the back of the property had given way in a storm years ago, the Chieftain Newspaper came and took photos as it was determined to be the oldest tree in town at over two hundred years, a lot of memories were in that old tree and tree house; good memories that made her sad.
She had not been back home since before her Gram and uncle passed, she didn’t even come back when her father passed just had his ashes sent to her. Her two aunts called saying do you want this or that when they put the house on the market; but she said no, in her depression she couldn’t think clearly. Now, now she wished she had paid closer attention, but everyone had died so quickly and within what seemed such a short time of each other. How her grief still clung to her, there is no one left in this town she grew up in that even knows her name or what became of her or her family, so easy it seems once an entire family that lived and loved and fought here can just be gone no blood ties of that family left. Why did she bother coming back driving over six hundred miles she hasn’t quite figured out only that the joy or peace she sought was not found here, it’s like feeling homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist.
Written for Kellie Elmores Free Write Friday prompt as seen in the photo above. Thanks Kellie (((xx)))
White knuckled fists to my mouth
Swallowing the pain and the scream
so much pain, in the body, the broken heart
and the broken mind.
Let me scream to release the steel band of grief
that brings bile to the throat and cuts the breath.
Maybe if just once I could scream and not be limited
I could go on.
English: Fibonacci spirals Español: Espirales de fibonacci (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Spiralling~~like water going down the drain
that vortex of darkness and the whoosh explodes
in the brain.
Depression grabs and holds so very deep
depths never known before
great gulping sobs for voice
language gutterall, buried deep in the abysmal pit
afraid to come forth in its verocity~
the body not strong enough
to withstand the force of the screams.
Lady Antebellum sings this song “DANCING AWAY WITH MY HEART” which has inspired me to pen a few lines in tribute to my father as it is close to his birthday and his death date. I first heard this phrase from my Daddy more years ago than I really want to remember, but this is my way to honor the man who fathered me. He was not the best Dad in the world but he was mine and I miss him terribly.
I looked up at my Daddy so handsome as he leaned against the door jamb on one of his rare visits home, tapping his foot to the beat of the music on the radio playing in Grams kitchen. When the tempo changed and Patsy Cline began to sing ” I FALL TO PIECES”, Daddy reached out his hand and said “May I” as I giggled I put my hand in his and felt the hand of a working man with its callous’ busted knuckles from bar fights, as much as from the nails and boards he worked with everyday, and stepped on the tops of his work boots.
He said “Step on up there good now,” as he held my hands tightly but gently so I felt secure. We began to dance he moving his feet slowly but to the rhythm of the music, turning, twirling, gliding across the dining room into the living room on Grammies waxed floor singing the song along with the woman on the radio. As it came to an end Daddy dipped me and I laughed as he said “Daddy’s girl dance away with my heart!” I twirled away and he called me back to tell me he was leaving for work in California and he would be back as soon as he could. It was many years later as a grown woman expecting my first child that I visited my father in California, he took his girl to Disney Land in Anaheim and treated me to dinner after. He placed the order at the restaurant while I visited the loo and it was a wonderful joy filled dinner and conversation was full of the days events and the years past, catching up but feeling like we had not been apart. As we exited the restaurant and waited for the car, Daddy asked if I had enjoyed the meal then proceeded to tell me I had eaten rattlesnake. Now I don’t know with expecting his first granddaughter or the real idea of that meal did it; but suddenly I was stepping to the side of the building to lose my dinner. That night Daddy played that old Patsy Cline song on his record player, holding out his hand he asked “May I?” this time I laid my head on his shoulder and enjoyed the security of being held by my father after so many years apart. He asked after my happiness and the baby and her father. And when the song ended he said ”You will always be my little girl now dance away with my heart”. I laughed as did he, those are the only two times I ever danced with my Dad and I am so glad I have those memories. I love and miss you so much Dad. HAPPY BIRTHDAY and take care of my little girl, dance with her among the clouds and stars as you did with me.
Keith Carlos Williams
May 3, 1928 ~ May 19th, 2003
Around this house I call mine
a wire fence stretches
Marking the boundary line
On its old porch I sit ‘n travel
in the mind-book of memories
I sit and watch as seasons pass
Wishing each would ever last
Longing for the days of ol’
Yearning for simpler times told
Where friends and families
gathered in love and caring
burdens and joys they were sharing
now life is short, my time near done
Old familiar stories my thoughts do run
Memories etched in mind-book of time
Black and White, color fading to Sepia.
Copyright Len Williams Carver 2011-2013
A legend has gone home to sing with “The Angel Band”, he has finally arrived where he always hoped he would go. The choir in heaven has gained a legendary voice with a heart full of love.
Many years ago while touring with my then husbands band, they opened for George Jones. I met George and sat with him backstage, he had a coughing spell and I got him a water to sip on. I invited him to have a bite with us after the show and he accepted. I had a cassette of old time blue grass gospel on when he arrived, from that day forward I was called “the water girl” and he said teasingly “she invited me to supper but I had to sing for it”, because he sang along with that old cassette. He never forgot me and of course I have never forgotten that time. As Waylon Jennings would say ‘If we all sang like we wanted to sing we would sound like George Jones.’
My thoughts and prayers go out to Nancy, Georgette and family at this sad time for them, I am sure this is one time ol’possum is glad he ‘showed up’. RIP my friend.
Ecru (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A vast expanse of an ecru colored world, floor tiles, walls, bedding
Bright light illuminating every corner, revealing every crack and crevice of age
Oh that it could reveal every hidden germ or infection that I fear
Lying here on this hard bed that won’t be still, with its thin padding and ecru coverlet
waiting, anticipating, anxiety attack abounds with rapid breathing and higher pulse
Relief as drug administered through their hurtful needle in the tiny bursting, rolling veins
off to a world of deep unknown.
God loaned me a child
He sent her from heaven above
I knew in my heart
I would have my lifetime to love
But one day God said
My Child, my purpose, my plan
Your work here is through.
He held out His hand
To this child I believed to be mine
this child He let me borrow
And He took her home to my sorrow
Now my heart is wrenched
my clothes are rent, my tears
they fall softly for loss of you
God holds you gently and has taken
your pain and sorrows of this earth away
while sadly here I must stay
I will always remember the love that we knew
And someday my journey will be through
Until then my dear one I will pray
and be thankful each step of the way
for the love we shared each and every day.
April 12, 1978 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and named her after her father and my grandmother calling her ‘ANDREA MARIE’. She was a beautiful baby long legs, dark hair and big brown eyes. F rom the start she had issues, I would take her to the clinic for her well-baby check-ups and she would scream when needed to have her undershirt removed. She was fearful of everyone except those within the family circle.
At the age of 18 months her father and I divorced, through political connections, and lies her father gained custody and her life and mine became a nightmare we fought in the courts for nineteen years to the point of the judge who had been there from the beginning advised me to file ‘malicious persecution’ charges against my ex. She eventually was returned to me but by then so much damage had been done I can’t even fathom what or to what extent. I only know this child hates me beyond reason, I spoiled her went overboard to give her what ever she wanted sometimes to the detriment of the family unit during visitation and once she was returned to me.
But that is all in the past and it is ugly and hurts me to this day; not hurt for me but for her, I know I wasn’t a perfect mother to her; I didn’t recogonize her mental health issues until too late to help her.
Miss her I do, I miss her beautiful smile her wonderful personality that is really her; not the paranoia and volitale eruptions. I miss my beautiful grandson too. I miss celebrating her birthdays and other holidays with her, I miss our road trips together, I miss her calling me and talking for hours I miss her hugs and love. I miss her.
I know I have an amazing God and He can do all things I pray for the healing of my Andrea’s heart and mind, I pray for her to see the truth and I pray for her to give her life to God and I pray she will someday call me and just say ‘mom it’s me Andrea can we talk?’. There would be no anger only love from me, I have forgiven all the past hurts she has caused me and only want to be a part of her life and her a part of mine. I love and miss her so much.
HAPPY 35TH BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER!
I feel the need to say this …that she was cheated of a ‘normal’ life by what her father and I put her through, no matter how much I preached to Andrea about one day the truth would be known (that I wasn’t who her father said I was) and that he loved her. I tried my best not to fault him in front of her, I know she felt the animosity, I know it had to undermine her self-confidence and her feeling of belonging I know she must have felt like a pawn being torn in each direction. I wish I could change that for herbut I can not go back in time I can only hope that someday she will see what I have written and forgive me for the wrongs done to her for our selfish desires.
My warning to parents everywhere if your life must have divorce do not under any circumstances pit your child/ren against the other parent do not use them as a pawn, they are the innocent victims of such behaviour and they are the ones to pay the price. Andrea if you ever read this know that I love you and I ask your forgiveness for your childhood and my part in it. I am so sorry you and your sisters was because we your parents. Love ~Mom
Berries of the common white mulberry tree. Photo taken with a Nikon E3200 camera. Morus alba (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Broken, chipped, mismatched and forgotten
Dirty rivulets of grainy sand splashed
inside and out
Berries falling into the tiny cups and saucers
filled with rain
Mixed with a little girls tears
Tears left by the forgotten~
the forgotten child that once
under the mulberry tree
copyright 2013 LWC