Author Archives: lenwilliamscarver

A CONFESSION


My life has been in such a turmoil lately and I have told you all how severe the pain in my body is physically and how my heartbreak over my daughters death, her sister disowning family and the daughter that was tazed by a psychopath and my husbands Alzheimer’s. I appreciate all you being supportive and trying to help me.

I need to tell you all that  this past few weeks has been nearly unbearable. My physical pain has pushed me and pushed me into the depths of despair and depression. I haven’t been able to write a sensible sentence to any prompt, I quit reading my Bible and quit going to all the services at church. My faith was tested  strongly and I was so weak that it nearly got me all the way to hell.

You see for a while now I have contemplated suicide, and yesterday I went to morning church service, came home and with severe pain in my feet and legs I stood in the kitchen cooking a big dinner thinking my daughter, grandson and her fiancé were coming home to eat. Nope they went elsewhere . They said nothing about doing that and I chose to believe they would be here, anyway a few harsh words from both my daughter and myself and I had hurt feelings on top of everything else.  I went back to lay down for a bit as I laid there I figured out that I would not go to church I would just let everyone else go and I would be alone, just me and the dogs and that is when I would end it all. I lay there planning exactly how I could do it so that it would look on the surface like my heart failed. I knew if I did it I would probably go to Hell but I would be free of the pain, depression and self-pity that I can’t seem to overcome.
My hubs came in and said it is 4:00 time to get up I replied with I wasn’t sure I was going and we did not have to leave until 5:30 so let me rest a while longer then I would see. I don’t know what happened I only know that I heard this voice say to me as I lay there crying and feeling sorry for myself rubbing one leg and foot against the other to ease the pain, this soft voice said “I am here my child, just pray” I fought it but eventually began to say “Yea right god I am supposed to pray but you can’t do one thing for me, you won’t take away this pain inside of my heart or even my feet”. then I began to tell Him if He wanted me to go to church that He needed to give me  a few minutes of relief to be able to get up and get dressed. I heard nothing but when 5:00 came around I got up and readied myself for church. We are in revival now and I listened and praised and sang, we had visiting congregations and it was a good service but I just wasn’t really in to it, I was going through the motions thinking inside why did I even come here tonight. Then the evangelist began to speak on healing and made a call for those needing prayer and healing to come forth and reluctantly I went.
I am here to tell you I have no idea what happened except that the LORD HEALED MY FEET!!!
They just quit hurting and tingling I could put weight on the soles of my feet and felt no shards of glass digging in or thumbtacks poking me!!!!! I am still depressed but feel joy coming back each hour today,  so all I can say is PRAISE THE LORD!! THANK YOU LORD!!!  If He can heal my feet like that  I mean in a few seconds of prayer and the touch of the Evangelist and Preachers praying how much can He do with the rest of me and the rest of those that need Him???
I am so jubilant about being able to walk in a pair of shoes or across the floor without crying due to the pain I just can’t express it!
So there you have it my journey this last few weeks, I am not thinking of suicide or crying for myself either so it is all good!
I hope that you all will forgive me for not being here for you as much as I was before but I will get back into the swing of things again I promise. Have a beautiful day/evening/night know you are loved by me and God loves you too!

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The Letter I Wouldn't Have Read Either

Reblogged from Deliberate Donkey:

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To Donkey's New Girlfriend:

So I see you're FaceBook official. I've heard you've spent the night in his home, with the children present. It must be serious. It's time, then, for us to have a little chat.

I know what you are going to suffer. You've waded into the water and found it pleasant, tepid, refreshing. You'll walk deeper and deeper until you can no longer touch bottom or see the shore.

Read more… 723 more words

A must read for every woman!

When You Know It's Murder

Reblogged from Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie:

I was 10 years old the first time it happened.

She was found dead at a campsite in Eastern Washington.

I remember exactly where I was standing, what the weather was like, who was talking to me. I wasn't sure how to respond. It was not surprising that the suspect was a family member in this case, but I was shocked at the brutal way in which she'd died.

Read more… 1,938 more words

HOMESICK


HOMESICK

Marie parked her car at the curb and shut the engine off.  She sat and stared at the old two-story brick house, remembering how it looked when
the brick was that deep rich Burgundy red, how the big front porch  covered,  painted  white  was nice to sit under when it rained.
Looking at the big Mulberry tree where she once played with her toys and had dress-up tea parties, the row of boxwoods that was the dividing line between the properties,
so many years have gone by, the bricks now painted white; the porch cover gone and a little overhang above the door painted a garish neon blue. The old cottonwood that stood at the back of the property had given way in a storm years ago, the Chieftain Newspaper came  and took photos as it was determined to be  the oldest tree in town at over two hundred years, a lot of memories were in that old tree and tree house; good memories that made her sad.
She had not been back  home since before her Gram and uncle passed, she didn’t even come back when her father passed just had his ashes sent to her. Her two aunts called saying do you want this or that when they put the house on the market;  but she said no, in her depression she couldn’t think clearly.  Now, now she wished she had paid closer attention, but everyone had died so quickly and within what seemed such a short time of each other. How her grief still clung to her, there is no one left in this town she grew up in that even knows her name or what became of her or her family, so easy it seems once an entire family that lived and loved and fought here can just be gone no blood ties of that family left.  Why did she bother coming back driving over six hundred miles she hasn’t quite figured out only that the joy or peace she sought was not found here,  it’s like feeling homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist.

Written for Kellie Elmores Free Write Friday prompt as seen in the photo above. Thanks Kellie (((xx)))

FACE TO FACE


When I am face to face with you Lord
Will you like what I have done
Will I have a crown to lay at your feet
Will it have many jewels for the work I have done
Will I have given enough?

All I have surrendered Lord, my heart, soul and mind…will it be enough
Lord will I hear you say the words I need to hear?
“Well done thou good and faithful servant”

When I am face to face with you Lord , I will stand in awe.

 

E.N.D.A

Reblogged from Golden Gems from Grandma:

  • Senator Jeff Merkley (D-OR) now has a majority of Democrats (40) co-sponsoring ENDA, the mislabeled Employment Non-Discrimination Act, to actually punish Christian business owners, if they refuse cross-dressing men access to the ladies bathroom.

    The bill is hailed by liberals as promoting equality, but they don't want you to read the actual text of the legislation. The bill will outlaw private Christian business owners, with full liability to lawsuits if they:

Read more… 771 more words

I COULD GO ON


White knuckled fists to my mouth
Swallowing the pain and the scream
so much pain, in the body, the broken heart
and the broken mind.
Let me scream to release the steel band of grief
that brings bile to the throat and cuts the breath.
Maybe if just once I could scream and not be limited
I could go on.

PREACHING


It is preached far and wide “God heals”
Just have faith, believe it to be real
Pray and parise, obey
walk the narrow way
Surrender all to God above
Sacrifice as He did
Believe, have faith to move mountains, surrender, obey
I hear it everyday~ just pray sister, just pray
so why does not the pain go away??????

CONNECTING OR RECONNECTING TO THE WORLD?


Maryhill Museum of Art

Maryhill Museum of Art (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The mind plays tricks and time is lost
In some depth and despair of blackness
do I connect at any cost?
Hurtful words cause pain, memories dance to chronic pain rythum
Being alone with many about only brings shame
when asked ‘what’s wrong with you?’
No understanding of how deep the darkness
held within
How lost the mind and soul to grief not just for the dead
but for those alive  but gone.
In this well of pain~ I can no longer walk,
No one hears what I have to say
unless it is sweet, mindless chatter
so very very tired of this façade
Hear me, see me please
for I am lost and don’t know where I am
See my soul, see how lost  I am
connecting to this world or reconnecting
either way the pain is to blame
I am alone in its intensity.

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